Tag Archive | work

Some Days It’s Just All Too Much For Me

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Celebrating 84 Years!

Some days it’s just all too much for me. Today was one of those days, although, I didn’t know it until it literally choked me out.

I was driving in my car on my way to work this morning. I turned up a song on the radio that I love, and started to sing along. That always usually helps me feel happier. As soon as I started singing, I went into what felt like an asthma attack. I usually only get them when extremely upset, or when I am overexerted in the cold. Anyway, there I was trying to sing and I couldn’t and then the tears started. It startled me so much I was talking to myself… “what the fuck, Kathleen?!”

I had been up late last night trying to help my second son with a dental issue. All along listening to him argue with me over text. I hate texting. It takes so long to have a normal conversation. I ended up staying up past 2 a.m. and doing the legwork for him. This is my very long story made short.

I woke up this morning and called the dental office and they informed me that since he is 18 now, he has to call himself. Back to texting him again to let him know what had transpired and the arguing started on his part again. With me all along trying to be very clear and helpful. Trying to give him instruction and peace of mind of what he exactly needed to do. All by text. Blah.

He made the appointment in the end, but to get there took hours from the night before and this morning combined. A whole lot of back and forth and an apology from him at the end.

As I was texting my second son, I also started texting my third son that is having another issue. I was trying to guide him after he sent me a very lengthy text. I called his Case Worker in the Dean’s office of the college and left her a voicemail with a follow-up email. Another very long story I am making short. She contacted him immediately, but he didn’t answer the call. Proceeded to argue with me, again one sided, with me trying to be very clear about what he needed to do. In the end, he also had an appointment with her this afternoon.

I guess just everything I have been going through as of late, just buckled inside of me out of the blue. I try to stay calm. I try to keep my head clear. I have so many people asking for my help or needing it. I do the best I can, but I’m not cut out for the back and forth over text. I’m not cut out for the argument and trying to extinguish it to get the best result over text. It is exhausting. Completely and totally exhausting. I guess my body was telling me that this morning and I couldn’t shake it for hours. A damn phone call is so much easier I think.

I am so thankful that I have had 4 people in my life that have been there for me each and every day during everything that has been coming up in my life. I don’t know what I would have done without these amazing women. They have been my rocks. My sounding boards.

At some moments I have even had more support. I am thankful for all of it. I appreciate any little moment that someone is willing to reach out and ask me about my day. Some days it is exactly what has helped me get though that moment.

Today was hard. This evening I am exhausted. My brain is friend.

I was able to come home and cook a very nice 84th Birthday dinner for my Father and we also had a nice little cake. It brought a smile to my face. To all of our faces. Especially FaceTiming my three oldest and watching my Father take to them. I think that made his day. There was a lot of love being felt during those moments. I love that.

Off I go to sink into my bed, quiet my phone and try to sleep. Hopefully, no urgent text messages wake me up tonight. My soul needs a rest. I think I have done my part for the day.

Good night. xoxo

Monday Morning Feels

img_6145-2Believe me, I know we all have crappy thoughts some mornings and I think people do more on Mondays than any other day. Don’t want to get up for work, school, or maybe they just don’t want to face their day. I say… suck it up! Wake up and feel good. Make an effort. That’s what I’m doing today.

Wake up knowing that you are going to make today pretty damn rad! I could lay around all day and be pissed off by all of the obstacles that I have to tackle, or I can tackle the shit out of them and put them behind me. I’ve been in both situations, even though most people look at me and think; hey she is always happy, her life seems pretty easy, blah, blah, blah. Well, think again, my friends! We all have our stuff. Even me.

Today I choose to have an amazing day. No. Matter. What. I hope you do too. ūüôā

xo

His First Day of Class, My First-Born, My Freshman in College

The alarm went off at 5:15 a.m. Today was the day. It was five days ago when we all got up to shower, eat breakfast and do a little last-minute car packing. We piled into the cars at 6:30 in the morning. All six of us. In anticipation for the day ahead. The day we were moving our first-born into his dorm at East Carolina University.

I didn’t sleep well the night before. Anticipation? Sadness? Concern? Did I get him everything he needs? Did I pack that? Is he happy? When will he come home the first time? Tons of thoughts swirling though my head. Keep in mind, I am a great sleeper, but from time-to-time, I am just awake. For no reason at all. Well, I think my first-born leaving home is a pretty good reason for not being able to sleep that night. Ha!

The drive is just under two hours. He drove with me. His younger brother falling asleep¬†in the backseat. Head bobbing. Hair flipping around. He finally lays down since he has the whole backseat to himself. Alex is with me in the front. We are chatting, listening to My Favorite Murder Podcast. He announces that he is going to sleep a little too. I smile and drive into the sunrise. Checking out¬†my surroundings, listening to the podcast. Looking at Pierce in the backseat sleeping, then looking over at Alex. He is crashed out, mouth wide open, obviously napping wonderfully. I snap a photo of me smiling and him sleeping with his mouth wide open. I can’t help myself. I want to cherish every moment.

We arrive to the huge parking lot at the stadium and get our place in line. Talking, joking and me taking photos. Waiting to get inside and get his keys.

After¬†the stadium and picking up his keys, we drove over and arrived at his dorm. The six of us got all of his things up to his dorm and the organization started. As a mother, I want my children to always be comfortable. To have all that they need. From the 3-inch mattress pad, to the rug on the floor. I’m hoping I got him everything that he will need for the whole year, but not too much to clutter and sit in the same spot all year and not get used. It’s all I can hope for.

Once I have him set up and I am finished with my part. You know, the part that makes us moms feel good. It was kind of like nesting for our babies again. Setting up their room, making sure they have everything to get by. All organized and ready to go. Once you are done you stop and look around. Ask yourself, am I missing anything? Will he be comfortable? Does this make him happy? I look around and it hasn’t hit me yet that this is his room now. He won’t be sleeping at home any more. Nope, it hadn’t hit me yet at all. Not like I thought it would for the months leading up to this.

My Husband and our youngest three Boys said our goodbyes with hugs and see-you-tonights. We walked back to our cars and I was still fine. No tears, no anticipation. No concern.

We had lunch, checked in to our hotel and relaxed for a bit.

Later that evening, our youngest, my Husband and I went out for beers and a soda. We chatted, the three of us. After a bit, we met up with another set of parents that I met during orientation in the library a couple of months prior. They dropped off their son that day as well. After a little conversation, we learned that we were all feeling the same. Even my youngest. We are proud, but will miss them. We are concerned, but they will succeed. We are nervous, but know that they will be able to handle themselves. So many emotions flying around that table.  We laughed and had serious moments too. It was wonderful to share with other parents that were going through the same thing.

The three of us got back to Alex’s dorm to meet his roommate and his parents. They were so nice and we met his roommates older brother as well, that lives off campus and is an ECU junior.

I think we felt a little relief. Well, at least I did, knowing that his roommate was a nice kid. Happy and smiling. They seemed to be communicating well. At ease with each other. Their room set up comfortably. The whole atmosphere just seemed calm. Thank goodness! Ha!

The three of us, once again, said our goodbyes to let Alex hang out with his new roommate, head to dinner and finish organizing his desk. Tons more hugs and I love you’s were had, of course. Then we were on our way back to our hotel.

Still no tears. No trepidation.

The next morning we had a date to meet Alex around 9 for breakfast. We gathered our things from the hotel and started to make our way. The 6 of us. For the last meal that we would share together until I don’t know when.

We found a couple of parking spots on the street and headed over to his dorm. He was ready and waiting. Roommate still asleep, so we met outside. We made our way to Einsteins on campus for bagels and some time together.

It was a great breakfast. Everyone at ease. Having great conversations. Laughing, poking fun and enjoying our time. We made it last for as long as we could, then it was time to head back to his dorm.

Once back to Alex’s dorm we hung out a bit. Introduced his middle brothers to his roommate and chatted a little while. It wasn’t until I asked the roommate to take a photo of us all that it hit me. “This is it! Hold it together!” The thoughts going through my head. Taking deep slow breathes.

Photos were taken, then hugs started to happen. I started to lose is. Slowly and quietly. Once that happens, everyone seems to know… here goes Mom. She is going to start to cry. I have to say I have the sweetest family ever though.

We said our goodbyes with a ton for hugs and I love you’s. I just feel like it is never enough, Then we walked out of his room and down the back stairs to the outside. I put my sunglasses on even before we left the room. The tears were already welling up. ¬†Streaming down my cheeks as we descended the stairs. Already hearing the, “Mom are you okay,” questions from one of my boys. Which one, I can’t remember. Then walking out into the heat and sunlight through the parking lot and my second oldest put his arm around me as we walked to the street. I remember feeling the comfort of his arm around me and thinking how lucky I am. After crossing the street, grabbing my husband’s hand and holding on, for what felt like dear life. The tears still flowing. Trying not to sniffle and silently wiping my tears. Getting to my car and my husband and I crying in each others arms. Feeling so proud of our wonderful first-born. Feeling so sad for us. Like something so dear has been taken away. Crying and holding on tight. My husband let go and kissed me, then started down the street after our two middle boys to his car. My youngest son took his place and he and I cried together. Holding each other tight on that sidewalk. I know he was feeling the same. At loss already. Crying into each others arms quietly. Reassuring each other with sweet words that we will be okay. That HE will be okay. That we will come and see him soon and hope that he will want to come home and see us too.

It isn’t just hard on the parents it is hard on the other kids in the family too. Even though the older ones don’t show it, a mother knows. I could see it as we all walked away from his dorm that day. Every one of us quiet. Every one of us somber with our heads down. Not our usual silly selves. It’s hard on us as a family. I’m sure Alex felt it too. I hope one day he will fill us in on how he was feeling that day we left him for his new adventure.

As we drove out-of-town, I cried. My youngest held my hand. I held his. We were full of tears together. Then we smiled at each other with those reassuring smiles. Trying to just get though our feelings of the moment. Of the morning that we had just had.

IMG_3163It’s been 5 days since we moved him in last Wednesday. Those feelings haven’t gone away. Our first-born started his first two classes at college this morning. I am crying steadily and having to take breaks while typing this. Blowing my nose. Wiping my tears. Hoping that I don’t get a sinus infection. Hahaha! Feeling so excited for Alex. Hoping his ‘first day of classes’ were amazing and that his teachers aren’t assholes. Hoping that he got smiled at and that someone new introduced themselves. That he made a new friend and shook his teachers hand. My emotions and thoughts are all positive ones of accomplishment for my son and ease to get though the day.

I feel so lucky that I got a text this morning from him saying, “Morning”. To quietly let me know in his own way and he is up and ready for his day. That meant the world to me, more than he will probably ever know.

It is so odd to have to raise a child and then let them go, so to speak. I don’t want to let them go. I always will want them in my day-to-day life one way or another. A phone call, a hug, a text, lunch, a walk, to FaceTime, a letter in the mail, anything. I’ll take anything I can get. My children are my world. Why would I want that to end when they turn 18? I don’t and if it’s up to me, I won’t let that happen. I will always love them, nurture them, advise them, reassure them, let them know that they are loved and supported. Even as adults

My children are not my best friends, they are the loves of my life, my little boys, my children. Now and forever. That will never change. I feel lucky to have them in my life. I feel excited and happy when I see them each day. I am not a parent that looks forward to having an “empty nest”. Not because I don’t want them to succeed and have amazing adult lives, but because I feel like they will always have our home. The home we all have when we were together. Something to look forward to, coming home to when every they want. Home is where you are loved. Home is where your family is. Home is your anchor.

To all of you parents and siblings out¬†there sending your loved-one off to college. I send you love and hugs. You are not alone. And to all of you off to college… YOU, are not alone. ūüôā

xoxo

Exhausted Mother and it’s only 7:47 a.m.

Waking up my chilthe_secretdren is the least of my concerns in the morning. Wanting them to leave with a smile on their face is a whole different concern in itself. Maybe I shouldn’t say concern. Maybe it is more like a need that I have?

We all worry about our children’s happiness. Well, I hope as hell you do! I do. Every single moment that I look at them, I want a sign that they are happy. It’s in me and I can’t help myself.

When I hear negative words out of their mouthes, no matter the subject matter, see a sad face, eyes watering up, I worry. Plain and simple, it affects me.

Last night I downloaded an app that allows me to “pause” my children’s phones. It simply makes it so that they can only make, or receive, a phone call. All of the rest is paused, until I un-pause it.

After putting it on my oldest Sons phone, apparently it moved some of his apps all around and jumbled it a bit. He freaked out.

A little background on my oldest son. He is the sweetest kid you will ever meet. He is loving, sensitive, honest to a fault, highly intelligent, if you are a friend of his he super committed to that friendship. I could go on and on. Not because he is my Son, but because I like to see the beauty in everyone and I just think that he is just an all around amazing person. Period.

He is also happy, sad, outgoing, introverted, smart, skeptical, trusting and untrusting. Just to name a few. When he is in one of those pessimistic moods, all I want to do is hug him. Tell him to smile. Ask him to work on his happiness. Remind him that he is so loved and there is no reason for him to be angry or feel defensive.

He is my one that I tend to worry about the most. The one that I hope that I am not screwing him up in some way. The one that I want to take any pain away that I feel like he has in his heart, and just make it all better for him. I try, but I know deep in my heart that I can not.

He was bullied when he was younger. This already sensitive soul, was bullied verbally, and it has affected him deeply. To a point that now when sometimes you make a suggestion of something, point something out, ask him to change something, he is super defensive. To the point, that if you ask him to not wear his beanie to school today, he feels like I am picking on him. Even though, I point out that he is super gorgeous, because he is, and that I just thought that not wearing his beanie today, because it is going to be 83 degrees, would be a better idea.

I’m coming to find out, that I just need to let him be. Let him be who he is. Let him wear what he wants. To be his own person. Which, I think I have been pretty good about, but I am still his Mother and always want what I think is best. Even though, it isn’t what HE thinks is best. I am truly finding that balance.

Back to last night and the app that I installed on mine and their phones to “pause” them. When I gave¬†him his phone back, and it looked a bit disheveled, he lost it. He cried, explained why he was upset and I felt terrible. He felt betrayed. He felt untrusted. He felt like one of his lifelines (his phone that he reads on every single day) was now not going to be the same. It broke my heart to hear his words and see how upset he was with me. When is Brother told him, “it’s just a phone”, he went into how lonely he is and how his social life is not like his (as in his Brother that he was talking too), that his life is through reading and the stories that he enjoys so much. It made me so sad, but it made total sense. Especially since I know that he is still hurting from losing his best friend a bit over a year ago. She was having her own personal issues and just cut their friendship off all at once and he still hasn’t recovered. He hurt him to his core.

I called him into the privacy of my room for us to chat. Explained what I was doing. That I wasn’t invading his privacy, that I trusted him with all of my being, that this was to simply pause them, when and if we needed too. Frankly, because there are times when I wish their computers and phones were gone. I feel like they are too highly used and an expansion of their lives. Too relied on. I also explained to him that I never meant to hurt his feelings, to make him feel like I would be betraying his privacy, that I trusted him and I never meant for him to lose any of his reading, or music, that I know he feels like are a lifeline and stress reliever for him.

Once we talked and looked over his phone, everything seemed to be there. I hope that he went to bed knowing that everything would be okay and that I loved him. I really did feel awful. Being a Mother is hard sometimes. Really hard other times and amazing the rest of the time.

This morning, after he thought money was missing from his wallet, because he thought I had given him $20 last week and the change wasn’t there this morning. I reminded him, that I had only given him a 5 or a 10 dollar bill and not a 20. That would explain why there was less in his wallet then he was thinking. Well, before I told him that, he had already gone down the wrong path. This is a good example of the hardship that he puts on his brain and his soul. He is now upset, clearly. The whole house can feel it. I put my hands on his shoulders and asked him to do something for me. Not only for me, but for himself. To go on a mission. A mission to only laugh, smile, think good thoughts, admire others, make positive comments, to make a change. To feel good. They say a change takes 3 months, right? That it is scientifically proven. Well, I told him that. I told him to see what happens when he does it, how he can watch his life change before him. He grunted. He’s 16. I’m a Mom that tries too hard. Ha! Well, at least I try. I try only out of love.

On our way to school I told him a little about myself when I was young. I told him that when I was somewhere between the ages of 8 and 10, I did ‘t like what I was seeing all around me. Arguing, infidelity, drug addicts, lying, fighting, all within my home with my parents and brothers. I didn’t want to be like that. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to have positive things in my life. I wanted to laugh, smile, hug, have fun and bring happiness to my life. I told him that I work hard at it every single day. It isn’t always easy, but there is no reason that I can’t keep trying and doing it for myself. It is what he need, or else we will down in all the crap. That I strive to be happy every day and I know that he can do it too.

What it all comes down to, is keeping my children safe, hoping that I can help them always be happy and helping them in anyway that I can. I would do anything for them. It doesn’t change the fact that I get sad too. I get sad when I feel like they are sad, or lonely. I feel it all.

My children are the loves of my life. ūüôā

xoxo

P.S. Thoughts and comments would be appreciated here at the WordPress site, rather than on Facebook, or Google+.  Thank you!

Out Of My Hands

Have you ever had that feeling that something is totally out of your hands?  Well, I never have, until recently.

I have been wanting desperately to move back to California for over 3 years now. ¬†I don’t have a daily job that brings in a major income. ¬†My Husband is the provider in our family at this point in our lives. ¬†I love being home with my children and would not want to change that for anything in this world. ¬†For the first time in my life though I have been unhappy. ¬†Not unhappy in a bad way. ¬†Not unhappy with my wonderful life. ¬†Just unhappy that I feel like I have absolutely no control of this particular situation. ¬†A huge situation in my book.

To be able to move our household of 7 my Husband would need to find a new job in California, or be¬†transferred. ¬†That hasn’t happened. ¬†Again, out of my control. ¬†I can’t find the job for him. ¬†There are days that I think maybe I should just go ahead and find a job. ¬†Yes, I’ll do it! ¬†Then I think it through. ¬†No more going on field trips, no more getting them off to school, no more being here when they call home and they are sick, hurt, or have forgotten something at home they need at school. ¬†No more helping with homework, etc., etc. ¬†I don’t like that. ¬†I don’t like that at all. ¬†Back to the starting line.

I just don’t work this way. ¬†If there is something that I really want to do, I do it, or find a way. ¬†Unfortunately, in this situation, I haven’t been able too and am at a total loss. ¬†Is is maddening! ¬†Depressing! ¬†Frustrating! ¬†Irritating! ¬†Some days I just can’t understand, or maybe don’t want too, why we can’t just go! ¬†Figure it out as we go. ¬†In the past when I worked full-time, when ever I wanted to move, I just looked for a place and did it. ¬†If I needed a new job I would find it. ¬†I know that times are supposed to be different right now, but I still just can’t believe it!

I use positive thinking all the time. ¬†Positive thoughts, affirmations, etc. ¬†Really. I do it! ¬†Still nothing. ¬†I am even a true believer that everything happens for a reason. ¬†Lately I have been questioning that as well. ¬†I don’t want to be in Arizona any more. ¬†Don’t get me wrong, I have some good friends here. Yes, they would be missed. ¬†But, I’m done. ¬†That does NOT mean that I am giving up hope though. ¬†I am going to continue trying to figure out a way. ¬†Think those positive thoughts and put them out into the universe. ¬†I am not weak. ¬†I have perseverance and I will not stop until I get there. ¬†Sometimes this has to come with some harsh realizations, but when you feel this strongly about a situation you just have to go for it! ¬†ūüôā

xo