Tag Archive | Mother

“I told you I’m fine.”

Dec4

“I told you I’m fine,” when he had fainted 15 hours before. “I told you I’m fine,” after he tells me his head feels like it’s between a vice. “I told you I’m fine,” after he’s had diarrhea for three weeks and just told me so this morning. “I told you I’m fine,” after throwing up all day Sunday. “I told you I’m fine,” after he steps down off the scale showing he’s lost roughly 10 pounds. “I told you I’m fine,” after he tells me he can only eat and drink a little at a time. “I told you I’m fine,” after he called me from school saying he only made it up two flights of stairs and had to take the elevator the last two, because he felt so weak. “I told you I’m fine,” after he sat in my room and told me that every little sound was magnified and he he just wanted to lay in his bed where it is quiet. “I told you I’m fine,” when he looks into my eyes and he is clearly not.

Son, you are not fine. You will not leave our side. You will see a doctor. I will make sure you get better. These symptoms do not mean that you are fine. To appease me does not make you fine. The only fine thing will be when you smile and tell me how great you feel. For real. That is when you will be fine.

In the meantime I will keep at it. Keep caring about you. Keep watch over you. Keep trying to figure out how to make you fine and heathy. I will never give up. I am your Mother. The only time I am happy is when you are truly ‘fine’.

I love you. ❌⭕️❌⭕️

3 Weeks Today I Left My First Born at College.

Sep6

It’s been 3 weeks today! Oh man, I’m dying! Hahaha!! Laugh if you will, laugh at me, go ahead. I don’t care. I’m laughing at myself a little bit too. I can’t help it though. I miss him!

I was walking upstairs last night and glanced down the hall to his room. I shouted, “Where’s Alex?!” From the office I hear, “what?” from my husband. I started to laugh and said, “I’m just kidding, but I was hoping that he was just in his room taking a nap.” Oh man did I.

On the other hand, I know he is exactly where he needs to be. He is working hard, starting to feel the stress of his classes, making friends, found the grocery store, took a friend out to sushi, learning the bus system, attended his first football game (that got delayed, then canceled and rescheduled for the next day) and sat in the sweltering metal stands, joined his first club, feels bored from time-to-time and so much more. Yes, he is exactly where he needs to be. I just keep telling myself that.

Each day I expect to see him come downstairs to take his shower. Come into the kitchen with his wet hair and a smile on his face, hug me and tell me good morning. Ask me how I am. Fill up his bowl with Cheerios and warm them up in the oven. Filling the kitchen with scents of oats. Watch him tiptoe to the kitchen table to eat and read his fan fiction sites. I miss those morning. I miss it all.

It’s so odd to be so torn as a parent. Knowing you are doing the right thing and feeling sad in your heart all at once. Remembering that you are doing the right thing, but feeling the sadness of the persons absence. Especially for a person like me that doesn’t usually feel separation anxiety. Ever. I guess there is a first for everything.

Over this past weekend, a long 3-day weekend, he didn’t want to come home. We were on a FaceTime call and I mentioned him coming home. I could tell he didn’t want to say that he didn’t want to by the look on his face. Also, that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He is so sweet that way. I let it go and said we could chat about it again another time and to just think about it, knowing that I knew didn’t want to come home yet.  I talked myself though it in my head… ‘Okay, he is happy, having fun, him not wanting not come home is a good thing. Right? Right! Keep remembering that, Kathleen.’ That went on for a long time. Over several days. Hahaha!! Yes, several days.

Guess what I am doing tomorrow? Going to see him!! Damn straight! When we spoke last night I told him that I was coming for a visit. That I missed him and that I couldn’t stand it any more! Hahaha!! He looked happy. (He also told me that his friend Zoei was dying to meet me. That’s pretty cool!) When I told him I was bringing my camping pad to sleep on his dorm floor, he kind of snickered and didn’t now what to say or how to react. Hahaha!! I left it in his court to come up with one. Told him that I would call him today. What he doesn’t know is that I have already looked at AirBNB for places to stay in town. Hahaha!! I just want to see if he can come up with a plan, because he knows that I WILL sleep on his floor. If you know me, you know I am super good at flying by at the seat of my pants, but always have some type of plans in my head just in case.

I must say, with the sadness of missing my Son, the proud and happy feelings of him happy supersedes the sadness by far.  🙂

xoxo

Raising Husbands & Fathers

Nov17

I don’t know whose photo this is, but I hope they don’t mind me using it.15032168_255671434847402_4705620029773180601_n.jpg

I love this photo. I’m always worrying about who my children are and what types of adults they will be. I want them to be kind, strong, stable and loving towards their own family one day. To support and defend their family. All I can do is my best.

I love my 4 Boys and know that some days I really feel like I am screwing them up. I hope that isn’t the truth. I know I can be hard on myself and them as well some days. I can only hope that I have instilled something amazing in them. Something wonderful that others will see, so that people gravitate towards them and they are surround with love, always.  🙂

xoxo

One Lonely Mommy

Apr7

 

I think I just need to get right to it.

I cried to 3 of my Boys the day before yesterday. I was a mess.  Don’t get me wrong, I was super happy waking up, even after dropping off my 3rd Son for his 8th grade trip, whom I am missing immensely.

I woke up and was ready for a great day. A friend of mine shot me a message asking if we wanted to go over to the Boardwalk for a while then over to the swim center for some free swim time.  Sounded great to me!

I went into the office to run the plan by my 3 Boys that are home for Spring Break. None of them budged from in front of their computers.  They all said, “No thank you Mom.”

You know what? I went upstairs and cried. Then I came back downstairs and told them all why. I told them that i am sad and my heart hurts, because I feel like they don’t like to spend time with me.  Ever. That I always have to be the bad guy and pressure them to do, anything.  I mean anything.  A movie, a hike, camping, go out to eat. You name it.

You know what people? There are days that I feel so lonely and I live in a house with 6 other people. The majority of them sit on their computers all day.  In that damn office, all 5 of them, and I won’t see anyone for hours. I don’t get asked what I’m up too. I don’t get asked anything. Some days no one will even come and talk to me.  The only time I get any communication is when I ask if someone wants something to eat, ask if they want to do something, or go somewhere, or if I go into the office and speak to them. That sucks!  That’s lonely.

This isn’t a poor-me post. This is real. My feelings are real. My life is real. I miss my kids. All. The. Time. They can stay away from me when they are in college, or get wives of their own, dammit! I love my kids and want to do all kinds of fun things with them. It freaks me out when my family doesn’t want to spend time with me. Not even an hour of hiking, or going to the damn grocery store.  Come on!

Is it so much to want to feel like I am loved, needed, wanted and fun to be around? Is it so awful to want someone to make the plans with me for a change? I’m not talking about my friends. I mean my family, especially the ones that live in my house. I crave family time. Crave it terribly. So terribly that I broke down this week. Damnit.

I feel like it shouldn’t even be a thought in my head to feel like this. I do my best at all time, to spend time with my Husband and children. All the time. It feels like shit to get turned down.  Constantly.

Okay, I’m done. It doesn’t change the way I feel though.  It doesn’t change how lonely I feel a lot of the time in my own home. 

xo

 

16 Years Ago Today…

Dec3
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Thanksgiving 2015

16 years ago today I was had been in the hospital since two days before, trying desperately have my first Son. Later in the evening, after 52 hours of labor, two hours of pushing and an awful experience with a c-section, Alex was born.

They handed him directly to us, Andrew and I. His little head of hair was glowing golden and I started to cry, then everything went blank.

I remember waking up to my Niece, Charmaine’s, voice. “Kathleen wake up. Kathleen.”

I remember hearing voices in the hall, which I think were my Sister and my Husband.

I remember him trying to latch-on for the first time.  It took a few tries, but he was a big eater.  Just wanted to lay there all the time.  Eat and sleep. When he wasn’t in my arms he was with Andrew.

The new love in our lives.

I can’t believe that was 16 years ago. It is so sweet the love that I had for him and how much more it is today.

He is an amazing child. Strong, gorgeous, serious, happy, athletic, grumpy, analytical, witty, independent and so much more.

I want to write about all the things I remember, but that would take a world of time. Instead, I am going to just keep it short and say that I love him with all of my heart.

I know him better than he knows himself. I know his quirks, sighs, deer-in-the-headlight-look, smile, walk, body movement and all.

When I think about how much he has grown and what a wonderful young man he has become, it brings tears to my eyes.

This may not be a very flowing and great post, but I am emotional today. It’s all so bittersweet and goes by too quickly. I truly always wish that time would just slow down.

I miss all the little smiles, naked carefree littles, that my children were. They aren’t like that any more.  I was hoping that would never change, but it does. I will attempt to say, that it did, even through I tried to keep their silliness in tact. I try to remind them all the time of who they were then, how they were then, how they smiled, loved and were carefree. I want them to remember that that doesn’t have to go away. I do my best, but they will become who they will. I just know that they will be amazing. As they always were.

I love you, Alex! Happy 16th Birthday. 🙂

xoxo

 

Brilliant!

Sep17

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This really stuck with me today. It can’t express how I feel any better.  It also reminds me of what I need to do in my life. What I think about constantly, but don’t follow through with. That I need to just speak and not walk on eggshells. That I need to do more for myself and what makes me feel good.  

I want to thank, Rachael, a friend on Facebook. One of the very few friends that I have on Facebook, that I have never actually met in person. I adore your drive for life. For peace. For health. For education.  ♥

xo

Lessons

Dec29

My #2 Son is 13. In 8th grade they have to do 8 hours of community service. It’s due by January 16th. He’s been dragging his feet.

I feel like he needs to learn how to do things independently. Without a reminder from me. Obviously, he hasn’t been following up with his original contact person to put his plan in motion. Now it is the holidays and hard to reach who he needs to, to get the ball rolling.

Last night while at dinner, I told him that his day needed to start with having a date and time set up for his community service assignment. Until he did that, he isn’t going to be doing anything else. No computers, no surfing, etc.

He just came upstairs and said that he’s spent the last two hours trying to get in touch with his original contact. He has had no response.

I explained to him about the problem of waiting to do something until the last minute. Also, how the holidays can put you at a stand still. There are lessons that need to be learned from your actions, or when action and follow through just sits there waiting, because you have done nothing.

I suggested he call the local public libraries. See if they could use his help. He called. One is closed today and the other doesn’t open until noon. Again, the waiting game.

I told him that he needs to think of something that interest him and call them. He said the “teaching tech to seniors” is something that he is interested. He just isn’t getting a response from his email, or call. Again, I explained that waiting until last minute and especially during the holidays is going to be a hard lesson for him to learn. These types of thing just aren’t as assessable if you haven’t already set them up. Most people aren’t around and some businesses are closed.

Anyway, he is still waiting to receive returned phone calls and emails. I hope this lesson will be a good one for his future. 🙂

XO

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Loss

Dec3
Please help Jake and Dave through this tragedy and new journey. They need our support. xo

Please help Jake and Dave through this tragedy and new journey. They need our support. xo

I spent the day yesterday at the hospital. A friend of my children’s, and ours as well, was in a fatal car accident on Saturday night.  Jake, 13-years-old, was riding in the backseat with his Sister, 17-years-old, in the passenger seat, and their Mother driving. The car lost control and they collided with the oncoming car.  His Mother and Sister were killed. He has been in the Pediatric ICU since he was airlifted to the hospital on Saturday.

We are just devastated. You have your beautiful life in front of you every day.  In a moment, it can change. I kiss my children before they go to bed at night, when they get up in the morning, before they leave for school, when they get home and at random throughout the day. I always have. There is no reason not too. They are my life. My loves. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. I tell them I love them every chance I can get.

Watching Jake suffer yesterday with several injuries inflicted from the pain, I couldn’t stop thinking about how he was going to be mentally.  (As of now, he is on pain medications that make his mind hazy, healing from a severe concussion and also facing the mental trauma of the accident.)  After he finally wakes up and is coherent.  Has complete thoughts and starts to realize where he is, remember what happened, and learn of the deaths of his Mother and Sister.  This just brings me to my knees.

I sat with my Husband and included my children on creating a GoFundMe account to help Dave, his father, as well as Jake.  Dave is a single Father.  He has custody and has been raising them.  I know they saw their Mother very regularly.  Now Dave is facing burying his Daughter and recouping the health of his Son.  The GoFundMe account will help Dave and Jack with medical bills, physical therapy, loss of wages, food and so much more.

I want to help in any way I can.  Seeing people donate that don’t even know this family is so heartwarming and amazing.  I cry with each donation.  They will be needing this so desperately.

I have so much more to say, but I am so exhausted from the weeks events.  ❤️❤️Today I am trying to focus on the positive.  Today is my oldest Sons Birthday.  I can’t believe I’m a Mother of a 15-year-old.  An absolutely amazing, intelligent, gorgeous 15-year-old.  That is something to live for and celebrate. ❤️❤️ XOXO

An Over Emotional Mother of 4

Jul28

Today while the two Babies I take care of were napping I took my 4 Boys out for a swim. Everything was calm until we had a small mishap. No one was seriously hurt. There was crying, hurt feelings and me upset.

I wasn’t mad about what happened. That is over and done with and an accident. What makes me so upset is that I feel like I have been a really good mother. I teach my Boys respect in all aspects. They know right from wrong. I teach them humility, manners and to be gracious.  I teach them to be strong, smart and emotional as well. I worry a lot of the time though that I haven’t taught them enough, or have done it in the wrong way. Yes, I am in battle with myself.  I worry… Maybe I am not really not a good mother and am not teaching them correctly. Isn’t that why they make mistakes, disregard using their good judgement?  Maybe I have just smothered them, or have been too strict?  I don’t know.

What I do know today is that yesterday this feeling was creeping up on me and today here it is full-blown.

After the pool incident today I called all of my Boys over.  We sat together and I explained to them how I felt and what my expectations were.  Once again, I also apologized for crying and being so emotional.  They all listened wonderfully with full attention.  After, they went back to swimming.

Either my children will need therapy as adults from me screwing them up, or they will thank me for helping mold who they have become.  I hope it is the second.  I love them more than words can describe and would never want to be the ingredient for messing up someone else’s life.  Especially them.  🙂

xo