Tag Archive | Mental Health

“I told you I’m fine.”

“I told you I’m fine,” when he had fainted 15 hours before. “I told you I’m fine,” after he tells me his head feels like it’s between a vice. “I told you I’m fine,” after he’s had diarrhea for three weeks and just told me so this morning. “I told you I’m fine,” after throwing up all day Sunday. “I told you I’m fine,” after he steps down off the scale showing he’s lost roughly 10 pounds. “I told you I’m fine,” after he tells me he can only eat and drink a little at a time. “I told you I’m fine,” after he called me from school saying he only made it up two flights of stairs and had to take the elevator the last two, because he felt so weak. “I told you I’m fine,” after he sat in my room and told me that every little sound was magnified and he he just wanted to lay in his bed where it is quiet. “I told you I’m fine,” when he looks into my eyes and he is clearly not.

Son, you are not fine. You will not leave our side. You will see a doctor. I will make sure you get better. These symptoms do not mean that you are fine. To appease me does not make you fine. The only fine thing will be when you smile and tell me how great you feel. For real. That is when you will be fine.

In the meantime I will keep at it. Keep caring about you. Keep watch over you. Keep trying to figure out how to make you fine and heathy. I will never give up. I am your Mother. The only time I am happy is when you are truly ‘fine’.

I love you. ❌⭕️❌⭕️

Missing The City


FullSizeRender 9 “The City Bathed In Orange” Original Untouched Photograph by Kathleen Shelfer

Last night I attended a Birthday party on the Zinfandel Yacht out of the Alameda Harbor. It was fantastic! I never even fathomed that we would be going under the Bay Bridge and having the most amazing views of The City.

It was 6:30 p.m. and the sun was going down. We all boarded the yacht. With it being such a hot day, we went immediately up to the top deck to cool off and find a seat. As the Birthday Boy boarded the boat, we headed back downstairs to say our hello’s and Happy Birthday.  Big hugs too.

I don’t really want to get into then whole logistics of the party.  What I really want to talk about is the views of The City.  The memories it carries for me and how much I enjoyed remembering them last night.

As I watched the sunset over the Bay I realized what I was looking at.  The Bay Bridge with The City in the background. I was in awe.  Frozen to the amazing view.  I found an open window and just stared.


I am still a little baffled at how to exactly explain how I was feeling.  I was happy. Excited. Calm. Just to name a few.  Even a little sad. I had memories flying through my head of the great times that I have had there.


San Francisco is the first City that I had fallen in love with. It’s as pure and simple as that. I am so happy that I was able to experience the views of The City at night from the Bay again.  It had been too many years. The last time was with my friend, Taylor, one 4th of July when I was 27, or 28. What a night that was! Another story, for another day.  😉





This really stuck with me today. It can’t express how I feel any better.  It also reminds me of what I need to do in my life. What I think about constantly, but don’t follow through with. That I need to just speak and not walk on eggshells. That I need to do more for myself and what makes me feel good.  

I want to thank, Rachael, a friend on Facebook. One of the very few friends that I have on Facebook, that I have never actually met in person. I adore your drive for life. For peace. For health. For education.  ♥


Morning rant…

I’m sick to my stomach this morning from a brief conversation I’ve just had.  Why is it that people can actually think that they have to right to tell people that they are too old to find love in their life.  That they should just stay in their abusive relationships and never have happiness.  It just kills me!!  Also, that they should stay in their abusive relationships, because they will never find someone that wants a woman with a child.  I am just floored and pissed! Especially, when the person telling them is their parent.  I’m pissed and disgusted.  What is wrong with people!  I’m trying not to pull my hair out.

Thanks for listening to my morning rant.  Time to regroup, take some deep breathes and move on with my day. 🙂


Something for Kathleen… #1

This morning I was thinking that I know I am always doing things for others, but what have I don’t for myself today?  Besides feeding myself, or getting myself out of bed and dressed.  Even just a little thing.  Nothing as of yet.  So, here I go.  I plan to try to do at least one  thing for myself a day.  No matter how small it may be.

Today I took a hot bath and read for 45 minutes.  I can’t remember the last time I took a bath.  A quiet one at that.  🙂


Thoughts for today…

It has been quite the lazy summer.  I made sure to that after I got up that I immediately got dressed and put on my tennis shoes. I NEEDED to get on that treadmill today.  Did a leisurely walk at 3.0 while reading for just under 2 and a half miles.  It is a good start

I am down 17 pounds with Weight Watchers since September.  Slow, but still great.  I have to keep reminding myself that is 21 pounds lighter than my highest weight.  Funny thing is that I am still in the same clothes size.  Just not as tight and pretty damn close to a 12.  I figure at this rate, I will be in a 8 within another year, or so.  I’m okay with that.

My motivation has been totally lost with household stuff.  Pantry a mess.  Closets a mess.  Time to tackle a little each week.  Today I got into one of the kitchen cabinets and reorganized it and have Carmina doing the refrigerator and freezer.

I have been thinking of starting a new Blog.  Just an addition to this one.  I wonder if more people like Blogger than WordPress?  Hmmm… I may need to do a poll on that one.

My children have been sleeping in pretty late each day and it seems that they aren’t doing much, but swimming and playing on the computers all day.  We get out here and there, but with me not driving, that is sometimes impossible.  I realize that some things are out of my hands, but doing interactive things aren’t.  I need to gain my creative energy back. Especially for them.

I’m a bit pissed at myself for not planning our Summer better this year with an outstanding vacation.  My will at the time just wasn’t where it should have been.  Sometimes I feel like I am holding the rope with my family behind me in a tug-of-war game and turning asking them if we should pull and never get an answer.  That really gets to a person after a while.  I just wish I had more enthusiasm with my ideas.

I am loving that my oldest is enjoying his Guardstart Junior Lifeguard class.  It is great to see him so independent and enthused.  This is the very first thing he had done completely on his own.

I am hoping that a new job comes in this week for my Husband, or a change in his current one.  I am in such a need for a change for the positive.  In the meantime, I will trudge forward each moment the best I can and make my day great for myself and our Boys.

I am going to pull out my paints today if I can muster up the want to clean the closet everything is buried under.  My 6-year-old would be so happy if I did.  My soul probably would be too.

As said by Abraham Lincoln… “A person will be just about as happy as they make up their mind to be.”  🙂



Out Of My Hands

Have you ever had that feeling that something is totally out of your hands?  Well, I never have, until recently.

I have been wanting desperately to move back to California for over 3 years now.  I don’t have a daily job that brings in a major income.  My Husband is the provider in our family at this point in our lives.  I love being home with my children and would not want to change that for anything in this world.  For the first time in my life though I have been unhappy.  Not unhappy in a bad way.  Not unhappy with my wonderful life.  Just unhappy that I feel like I have absolutely no control of this particular situation.  A huge situation in my book.

To be able to move our household of 7 my Husband would need to find a new job in California, or be transferred.  That hasn’t happened.  Again, out of my control.  I can’t find the job for him.  There are days that I think maybe I should just go ahead and find a job.  Yes, I’ll do it!  Then I think it through.  No more going on field trips, no more getting them off to school, no more being here when they call home and they are sick, hurt, or have forgotten something at home they need at school.  No more helping with homework, etc., etc.  I don’t like that.  I don’t like that at all.  Back to the starting line.

I just don’t work this way.  If there is something that I really want to do, I do it, or find a way.  Unfortunately, in this situation, I haven’t been able too and am at a total loss.  Is is maddening!  Depressing!  Frustrating!  Irritating!  Some days I just can’t understand, or maybe don’t want too, why we can’t just go!  Figure it out as we go.  In the past when I worked full-time, when ever I wanted to move, I just looked for a place and did it.  If I needed a new job I would find it.  I know that times are supposed to be different right now, but I still just can’t believe it!

I use positive thinking all the time.  Positive thoughts, affirmations, etc.  Really. I do it!  Still nothing.  I am even a true believer that everything happens for a reason.  Lately I have been questioning that as well.  I don’t want to be in Arizona any more.  Don’t get me wrong, I have some good friends here. Yes, they would be missed.  But, I’m done.  That does NOT mean that I am giving up hope though.  I am going to continue trying to figure out a way.  Think those positive thoughts and put them out into the universe.  I am not weak.  I have perseverance and I will not stop until I get there.  Sometimes this has to come with some harsh realizations, but when you feel this strongly about a situation you just have to go for it!  🙂


I am so thankful for the friends I do have…

She didn’t even know it, but I so needed to get out of the house today and I was a smidgen away from canceling.  I woke-up feeling great. The kids got off to school smoothly, then it happened. Just the way it creeps up on me every once in a while.  Just that little something that helps that inkling of anxiety come out. Then the next thing may even seem a little worse, even though I know it really isn’t, because it is how I am feeling inside and not what I am reading, or doing.  So, I went.  Had a fantastic lunch.  Ate yummy food.  Had some wine.  Now I am good.  I am so thankful for the friends I do have. I say it that way, because I have never felt like I have had many in my life.  For me, I am just thankful when they are in my life. I love them through and through.  I am grateful.  Life is good at this very moment.  🙂


WordPress A Post A Day/Week #32 ~ Are you an optimist or a pessimist?

Are you an optimist or a pessimist, or something else?

I am absolutely an optimist.  Sometimes probably an annoying one to some people and that is okay with me.  Life really is short, so why not want the best we can have?

I have been in situations while having a conversation with someone who is having a hard time.  I try to look at the lighter side of the situation.  I have had them stop me and tell me that I know you like to look at the positive side of the situation, but there really isn’t one this time.  I stop and think about it.  I can understand their side as well, but I still don’t believe it’s true.  There is always a positive side.  It doesn’t mean that it is good, but it is better.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with better in my eyes.

I think about the situation we are in right now.  No income.  That’s a big one isn’t it?  Enough to just stress the hell out of people.  Sure!  Why wouldn’t it, we have 7 people in our household.  Scary to not have any money. I try to make light of it the best I can.  We are healthy. We have more love than most. We have food. We are doing the best we can to pay the bills.  The interviews and jobs are there, just not an offer YET.  If the situation was to get worse than it is now I believe that we would survive and still be happy.  We are together.  We have each other, how else to say it.  Isn’t that what really matters in the end?  I think so, so each day I wake up and smile.  I smile to everyone in the house.  Kiss them all, love them all, cook for them, turn on the music and try to keep the environment we live in healthy.  To me that is amazing and that is what matters most.

When I was in my early teens I started to tell people they had something called the “poor me syndrome”.  Whine about this, bitch about that and never murmur a positive word.  Do something about it!  Do you like the way you feel?  No!  Do you think that person is really worth your breath?  No!  Who is in control of you?  You are!  Now quiet the hell down, quit your bitching and get on with that wonderful life that you have right in front of you. LOL!  Hey, I know that I am not perfect.  I have my moments too, we all do.  It is natural to feel sad, scared, burdened, mistreated, but only we can take care of that ourselves and do something positive to turn it around.

Love your life people, show your children the right way to live.  If you slip-up, who cares as long as it isn’t all the time.  We all know right from wrong.  Jump on a new road today and see where it takes you.  Enjoy the ride!  🙂


WordPress Post a Day/Week #5 ~ Are you stressed out right now?

Are you stressed out right now? (If so, why? If not, why not?)

As of today I am going to say no.  No I am not stressed out right now.  I am happy to repeat that.  The past 7 months have been pretty hard for me.  I guess I should say, I have been pretty hard on myself.  The good thing is that I have pulled myself out of my first, what I would call, depression funk, and am feeling great!

I keep reminding myself what a wonderful life I truly have.  I am totally healthy, I have beautiful well-behaved children, a Husband that adores me and gives me the world and family and friends that are always at my side.  I have a life full of love.  And hugs.  And Smiles.

Today is a great day!  🙂