Tag Archive | Death

Not Even 30

Feb17

Yesterday came and went

It would have been your Birthday

Your 30th

A day to celebrate

Celebrate your wonder

Your Smile

How cherished you are

Not a day for tears

To ‘cheers’ without you

Without hearing you laugh

And without seeing that contagious smirk

We still toast you though

Your loving memory

A memory of a life lost

Forever lost

Lost

I wish I knew that you were lost

I wish I knew your pain

I wish I knew when you were scared

Or mad

Or over it all

I wish I knew it all

Now I just feel sadness

Shocked is the only way to describe

Loss

Lost

Full of a bucket of tears that keeps refilling itself

With no end

No end

I love you

My sweet little Brother

I love you.

xoxo

Dear Penny…

Dec8

Dear Penny,

I was so looking forward to seeing you at the girls-trip that we discussed. Seeing that smile you always had on your face, with that little twinkle in your eye of humor that I always noticed. Hanging out with you and a drink in our hands.

Andrew always said that we were too much alike, irreverent in our own special and silly way. You would probably be pissed if this was you having to write to me, because things were cut so short and unexpected. That maybe we would have found out that we were so much alike. Sisters at heart, in laughter and spirit.

I’m just so thankful to that damn Facebook, for bringing those that we love close to us, but live so far. So thankful that I was able to chat with you, share photos, sorrows, and happy times.

I do have to admit though, I am pissed off, so very pissed that you are gone. Not here for us to enjoy you every day any more. Enjoy your posts of your super fun crossdressing friends, the bands that you love, expressions of your beloved mother, and how much you love my brother-in-law, Tad. I am going to miss that more than you know. Oh and don’t forget your kitties too! I love them as well and how crazy you are for them.

Even though I never got to hug you in person, I feel like I have a dozen times over. Your personality and spirit just poured into my life each and every day. Again, I am thankful for the internet and your bursting spirit.

I always felt like we were friends that have shared a bottle of wine, then a couple of cosmos. Together sitting and chatting all night long about all of the crazy things that we have done in our lives. Comparing, laughing and making plans for more. Wanting to introduce each other to the others’ wonderful and crazy friends. Always expecting more crazy and amazing times.

Penny, I already miss you, in my heart and in my soul. I doesn’t matter that I’ve not laughed with you face-to-face, or hugged you in person, I love you. I love you as my family. I will miss you and mourn you with my heart and soul.

One day I will get to have that cocktail with you. We may be different souls with different bodies, hell, it may be in a dream, but we will be there, together. I will hug you tight and see that beautiful light in your eyes. Yes, I will.

All of my love, your Sister-In-Law,

Kathleen. xo

11/22/15

Another Day in the Enchanted Forest

Oct7

Yesterday I set out on another hike at the Land of Medicine Buddha and into the Enchanted Forest. This time with my good friend, Jen.

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It was an absolutely gorgeous morning. How could it not be though, with the amazing place we call home.

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We took a shorter route than I did the last week.  This one about a mile and a half. After that loop, we walked the Eight Versus Trail to get a little extra land in.  We finished at about 3 miles.  3 glorious miles though.

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It was the first time that I went to the temple and saw this amazing statue.  It was huge. I am assuming about 25 feet tall.  All indoors.

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I didn’t go in, but will next time. Maybe bring a token of my gratification for whomever created this beautiful place for me to enjoy.

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Even though I am not religious, I find that looking at these little beautiful scenes that I find all over this property, brings me a calm. I’ll welcome that any time.

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While visiting one of the little shrines in the Enchanted Forest, I found a rock that was placed for Madyson Middleton. I was hoping I would see one. That made me smile. HOWEL FOR MADDY!!

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At one point of the short round about, we walked down hill.  Steep down the hill.  My knees don’t usually like that, but I am feeling pretty great today, so I’ll probably to it again if I want a shorter hike day.

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I love looking around and noticing all of the changes going on for Autumn. The color of the leaves, the ferns in full force, the wildflowers dyeing off.

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I can’t wait to go back! 🙂

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xo

Honesty From a 10-Year-Old

Oct5

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A couple of months ago a little girl was murdered on our area. It was an absolute tragedy. The community has come together to create a very positive light for her memory to survive.

This morning I was telling my youngest Son that it is Madyson Middleton’s Birthday and her Mother has put a celebration together for her today. A gathering that is open to all to attend at Harvey West Park. Bounce House, Art, Face Painting, snacks.  I asked him if he would like to attend?

He looked at me and said… “Mom, I don’t think I want to go, I think that I would just be sad the whole time. I understand that this is to celebrate her birthday, but why would her mother and family want to keep being reminded that she is gone? That would make me just feel worse.”

I told him that this is a way for some people to cope with their loss in a positive way. They celebrate, remember, do some of their favorite things and remember the happy times. He still didn’t agree. His face looked scrunched and deep in though. He just said, “I just don’t think that they should be having a party. I can’t go. It will make me sad.”

I sighed and hugged him tight. I have to say that I agree with my very thoughtful little man. I appreciate his honesty and his sincerity. Even though I understand why the gathering is being held, I don’t think that I would be able to hold such an event if it were me. It’s not me though, and I respect others and their feelings.

My family didn’t know the little girl who was murdered. We do know good friends of hers though. I know they are having a very tough day. I know that every day is tough. That is what death brings to us. Sadness, anger, confusion and so much more. It can be debilitating.  I know, I’ve felt loss.

Tell those close to you that you love them. Right this very minute. Support those that need it the most. Right this very minute. Hug everyone that you can. Every day. There is never a wrong positive gesture. Do it now. Don’t wait. 🙂

xo

Brilliant!

Sep17

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This really stuck with me today. It can’t express how I feel any better.  It also reminds me of what I need to do in my life. What I think about constantly, but don’t follow through with. That I need to just speak and not walk on eggshells. That I need to do more for myself and what makes me feel good.  

I want to thank, Rachael, a friend on Facebook. One of the very few friends that I have on Facebook, that I have never actually met in person. I adore your drive for life. For peace. For health. For education.  ♥

xo

Time to Vent

Jun4

The Beach Parties in my area started last week.  I missed it due to a music performance for my #4 Son.  This week one of the most popular bands in the area will be playing.  Regardless of who is playing, it is going to be a blast.

My friend is in town, but had to cancel due to a work dinner.  No worries!  I figured I would just take my four Boys with me and let loose, have some fun.  No phones, just music, the sand on our feet and dance like no one is watching.  Wishful thinking.

I mentioned it to each one of my Boys, individually, as they came home from school.  “Mom, it’s just not my thing.” “I don’t want to go.” A nice roll of the eyes, purse of the mouth and no response at all. “Mom, I like to do other things with you like road trips, or go out to breakfast, lunch and dinner with you.  Those are good things right?” “Do I have to?”

Actually, it all makes me kind of sad.  As I told my oldest, “One day when your 40, you will have wished you went with me that one time to the Beach Party and made memories with your Mother.” I wasn’t trying to give guilt, just trying to let him know that life goes by quickly and sometimes it’s fun to do things for others, even though “it’s not your thing”.

I will get ready to go to the Beach Party, ask one more time, but I am not going to pressure anyone to spend time with me.  Hopefully, by that time I will be over my hurt feelings and I will just go and have a good time.  By myself.

Thank goodness I don’t mind being alone. 🙂

xo

Food Freak-Out

Feb11

This commercial freaks me out every time I see it. Scares me really.

When I was at the grocery store today getting some tortilla chips and cereal for my Boys, along with a few other items, I look around freaked out. I bought the  few things I needed, then I only bought Bananas, Grapes and Cuties in the produce area. I didn’t even see a reason to get anything else. I told myself that I would just hit the fruit stand today later on.

What it all comes down to, is that things have really changed since I was a kid. Yeah, the soda and snacks are still around, but the ingredients have changed. It scares me. I also scares me how much more of it all there is. I don’t want to give my children something that I would regret for their health later. Yes, I said regret. I say that, because I don’t believe in regrets for myself, but for my children it would kill me if I wasn’t feeding them healthy enough today and it affected their health later.

It is up to me to teach them right from wrong. Healthy, and non healthy. I most comfortable with beef, chicken and seafood. Along with fresh vegetables and fruit. Rice on occasion. Pasta on occasion too. It’s hard to care for others.

Don’t get me wrong, I still bake with sugar, butter and flower.  I would way rather bake for my children than to buy them junk from the store.  It’s not every day though.  I’m hoping that I can teach them some balance.

I saw this video again today after Super Bowl, because I was in my Weight Watchers account. Logging my 3.7 ounces chicken breast that I just ate for lunch. I clicked on the link and it just struck me.  Hard.  Sometimes I feel like what they eat is so out of my hands, it freaks me out.  Sigh, I just worry about their healthy future.

Just thought I would share my thoughts. 🙂

xo

Loss

Dec3
Please help Jake and Dave through this tragedy and new journey. They need our support. xo

Please help Jake and Dave through this tragedy and new journey. They need our support. xo

I spent the day yesterday at the hospital. A friend of my children’s, and ours as well, was in a fatal car accident on Saturday night.  Jake, 13-years-old, was riding in the backseat with his Sister, 17-years-old, in the passenger seat, and their Mother driving. The car lost control and they collided with the oncoming car.  His Mother and Sister were killed. He has been in the Pediatric ICU since he was airlifted to the hospital on Saturday.

We are just devastated. You have your beautiful life in front of you every day.  In a moment, it can change. I kiss my children before they go to bed at night, when they get up in the morning, before they leave for school, when they get home and at random throughout the day. I always have. There is no reason not too. They are my life. My loves. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. I tell them I love them every chance I can get.

Watching Jake suffer yesterday with several injuries inflicted from the pain, I couldn’t stop thinking about how he was going to be mentally.  (As of now, he is on pain medications that make his mind hazy, healing from a severe concussion and also facing the mental trauma of the accident.)  After he finally wakes up and is coherent.  Has complete thoughts and starts to realize where he is, remember what happened, and learn of the deaths of his Mother and Sister.  This just brings me to my knees.

I sat with my Husband and included my children on creating a GoFundMe account to help Dave, his father, as well as Jake.  Dave is a single Father.  He has custody and has been raising them.  I know they saw their Mother very regularly.  Now Dave is facing burying his Daughter and recouping the health of his Son.  The GoFundMe account will help Dave and Jack with medical bills, physical therapy, loss of wages, food and so much more.

I want to help in any way I can.  Seeing people donate that don’t even know this family is so heartwarming and amazing.  I cry with each donation.  They will be needing this so desperately.

I have so much more to say, but I am so exhausted from the weeks events.  ❤️❤️Today I am trying to focus on the positive.  Today is my oldest Sons Birthday.  I can’t believe I’m a Mother of a 15-year-old.  An absolutely amazing, intelligent, gorgeous 15-year-old.  That is something to live for and celebrate. ❤️❤️ XOXO

Someone Like You

May8

Oh it’s so true, as I sit here listening to this song… Life is bittersweet. No regrets I say. Life is spectacular & I am thankful. I have loved & lost… Lost a lot… Lived more than most… Loved more than most… I never forget & love my life as a whole each & every day. I love to the extreme & feel loss just as hard. It’s life right? Well, it’s my life & I plan on keep living it to the fullest with my love, woo hoo’s, many hugs, peace & forgetful nights. I want every second to have meaning. I want everyone to feel love & admiration. As I have always said… Life on the edge, don’t fall off.   🙂

I heard that your settled down.
That you found a girl and your married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you.
Old friend why are you so shy?
It ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited.
But I couldn’t stay away I couldn’t fight it.
I’d hoped you’d see my face,
And that you’d be reminded that for me it isn’t over.
Nevermind I’ll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don’t forget me I beg
I remember you said:-
“Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead”
Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead yeah.
You’d know how the time flies.
Only yesterday was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summery haze.
Bound by the surprise of our glory days.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away I couldn’t fight it.
I’d hoped you’d see my face & that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over yet.
Nevermind I’ll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don’t forget me I beg
I remember you said:-
“Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead”
Nothing compares
no worries or cares.
Regret’s and mistakes they’re memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Nevermind I’ll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don’t forget me I beg,
I remembered you said:-
“Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead”
Nevermind I’ll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don’t forget me I beg,
I remembered you said:-
“Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead”
Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead.
~Adele
Xo