“I told you I’m fine,” when he had fainted 15 hours before. “I told you I’m fine,” after he tells me his head feels like it’s between a vice. “I told you I’m fine,” after he’s had diarrhea for three weeks and just told me so this morning. “I told you I’m fine,” after throwing up all day Sunday. “I told you I’m fine,” after he steps down off the scale showing he’s lost roughly 10 pounds. “I told you I’m fine,” after he tells me he can only eat and drink a little at a time. “I told you I’m fine,” after he called me from school saying he only made it up two flights of stairs and had to take the elevator the last two, because he felt so weak. “I told you I’m fine,” after he sat in my room and told me that every little sound was magnified and he he just wanted to lay in his bed where it is quiet. “I told you I’m fine,” when he looks into my eyes and he is clearly not.
Son, you are not fine. You will not leave our side. You will see a doctor. I will make sure you get better. These symptoms do not mean that you are fine. To appease me does not make you fine. The only fine thing will be when you smile and tell me how great you feel. For real. That is when you will be fine.
In the meantime I will keep at it. Keep caring about you. Keep watch over you. Keep trying to figure out how to make you fine and heathy. I will never give up. I am your Mother. The only time I am happy is when you are truly ‘fine’.
I don’t know whose photo this is, but I hope they don’t mind me using it.
I love this photo. I’m always worrying about who my children are and what types of adults they will be. I want them to be kind, strong, stable and loving towards their own family one day. To support and defend their family. All I can do is my best.
I love my 4 Boys and know that some days I really feel like I am screwing them up. I hope that isn’t the truth. I know I can be hard on myself and them as well some days. I can only hope that I have instilled something amazing in them. Something wonderful that others will see, so that people gravitate towards them and they are surround with love, always. 🙂
A few weeks back I broke my toe and metatarsal during the night, as I was going back to bed from the restroom. Lovely! Anyway, it is pretty much healed now. A few discomforts , but nothing to really complain about.
I decided once my foot was feeling better I would join the 52 Hike Challenge on this past Monday. Well, I did it! I joined on Monday. Educated myself on the challenge and am going for it. I had been wanting to do it for months and am so glad that I finally did!
First off, I love to hike. I don’t get out enough and this is just the little extra push that I need.
My favorite photo of the day. Looking up at the big, big trees.
I don’t get out as much as I like, because I have a busy family life. No complaints here though, I wouldn’t change a thing. I just need to fit in more time for me, which can be hard certain days. I am fortunate to live in an area where I can find a great hiking spot rather easily at the last minute. Woot!
Tuesday was the first day I had a hike planned. I was thinking a 6 miler up at the Land of Medicine Buddha. I have a favorite hike there that I haven’t done in quite a long while. Well, bam, I am gifted with watching my Great Niece for the rest of the week. No worries! I’ll just take her with me for our first hike together. So, that’s what we did.
It’s fun and challenging hiking with a 2-year-old. Challenging, because they are very slow and rarely do you get to do more than a mile if they are walking on their own. Fun, because they are so fun to teach about the woods and see the wonder through their eyes.
It was a GREAT morning hiking with her and nostalgic. I use to take her older sisters hiking with me when they were little. I can’t wait for the 4 of us to all hike together. What a wonderful day that will be!
I’m just so excited that I got my first hike in, even though, only just over a mile, I got it done. It was a gorgeous day and exactly what Madison and I both needed. 🙂
I cried to 3 of my Boys the day before yesterday. I was a mess. Don’t get me wrong, I was super happy waking up, even after dropping off my 3rd Son for his 8th grade trip, whom I am missing immensely.
I woke up and was ready for a great day. A friend of mine shot me a message asking if we wanted to go over to the Boardwalk for a while then over to the swim center for some free swim time. Sounded great to me!
I went into the office to run the plan by my 3 Boys that are home for Spring Break. None of them budged from in front of their computers. They all said, “No thank you Mom.”
You know what? I went upstairs and cried. Then I came back downstairs and told them all why. I told them that i am sad and my heart hurts, because I feel like they don’t like to spend time with me. Ever. That I always have to be the bad guy and pressure them to do, anything. I mean anything. A movie, a hike, camping, go out to eat. You name it.
You know what people? There are days that I feel so lonely and I live in a house with 6 other people. The majority of them sit on their computers all day. In that damn office, all 5 of them, and I won’t see anyone for hours. I don’t get asked what I’m up too. I don’t get asked anything. Some days no one will even come and talk to me. The only time I get any communication is when I ask if someone wants something to eat, ask if they want to do something, or go somewhere, or if I go into the office and speak to them. That sucks! That’s lonely.
This isn’t a poor-me post. This is real. My feelings are real. My life is real. I miss my kids. All. The. Time. They can stay away from me when they are in college, or get wives of their own, dammit! I love my kids and want to do all kinds of fun things with them. It freaks me out when my family doesn’t want to spend time with me. Not even an hour of hiking, or going to the damn grocery store. Come on!
Is it so much to want to feel like I am loved, needed, wanted and fun to be around? Is it so awful to want someone to make the plans with me for a change? I’m not talking about my friends. I mean my family, especially the ones that live in my house. I crave family time. Crave it terribly. So terribly that I broke down this week. Damnit.
I feel like it shouldn’t even be a thought in my head to feel like this. I do my best at all time, to spend time with my Husband and children. All the time. It feels like shit to get turned down. Constantly.
Okay, I’m done. It doesn’t change the way I feel though. It doesn’t change how lonely I feel a lot of the time in my own home.
I had received a text message while out running errands that read…
Can I please have 50$ of my report card money, the total is 105 but I only need 50 currently.
I responded back with a, 👍 (thumbs-up emoticon). I was out and about and don’t like to text while driving.
After I got home from my errands, he and I had a conversation regarding, what he wanted the money for. He told me it was for some type of upgrade for his Minecraft game. He knows how I feel about wasting (I think it is a waste) on things like this. It should be used on things that you hold and use physically. Later, I received this email…
To: Kathleen Shelfer March 13, 2016 at 5:07 PM
From: Pierce Shelfer
Why People Like Things Recently I asked you if I could get a game “upgrade” as you say it, and you said it’s a waste of money if you’re not going to use it frequently for example I’m using this upgrade for Minecraft. I like playing games, I like playing sports, and this is for a reason as this study shows. By Ted O’Callahan A piece of chocolate is among life’s simple, certain pleasures. The cocoa smell, the velvety feel as it melts on your tongue, and the taste—sweet and bitter—that stays in the mouth, all combine to create a heady experience. But what about the experience of carefully selecting and anticipating a favorite brand—peeling back gold foil wrapping, feeling the shape of the bar in your fingers. How much is that part of why you enjoy your favorite chocolate? Yale psychologist Paul Bloom argues that it’s easy to miss the complexity that underlies pleasure. His work looks at the subtleties of everyday behaviors like distinguishing art from everything else, the intuitive sense of fairness that children display, and the feeling of pleasure. That last topic resulted in a book, How Pleasure Works, in which Bloom shows how the most obvious factors—a catchy melody or mouthwatering smells—don’t explain pleasure fully. “Pleasure is affected by deeper factors, including what the person thinks about the true essence of what he or she is getting pleasure from,” he notes in the book. You see mom and dad, I have a reason for liking these things physiologically. I have fun with these things I buy with games, I know Mom that you wouldn’t understand why I like to do these things but I’ll do an example of why you like to do something. For example, you like to go hiking or buy makeup. Life is your game and you like to buy these “upgrades” such as makeup. You buy makeup because it makes you feel good, well mom and dad buying these “upgrades” for these games make me feel good, and so it is not a waste because it makes us feel good that makes it not a waste of money since we all use “upgrades”. Mischievously, Pierce Shelfer ^^Please Read All of the Above^^
I must say, this child-of-mine, always has an amazing argument. That we have taught him well. Thoughtful, smart, witty, and well thought through. I love him with every breath I take.
At 13, he talks about becoming an Attorney or a Radiologist. Owning his own practice. When we were in the pediatricians office the other day, he looked at me and said, “This isn’t what my medical office is going to look like.” What a cool conversation that was. All of the equipment he would have, the technology, the decor. He has his head in the right direction. I can’t wait to see what he becomes. I know it will be great. 🙂
At the end of the video they asked… “What is your NEW definition of success where you can always win? OR, in times of binge eating, what are you really hungry for and what can you do to remedy that?”
Isabel Duke spoke a lot about binge eating. I don’t have a problem there. Thank goodness! I do think that a have a problem with completing tasks for myself and not being a goal finisher with my own personal self. Being that said, I’ve been trying to work on this.
What this consists of for me is… getting out the door for a walk, finishing tasks on my to-do list, cleaning the house, complaining that something doesn’t get done, but not doing it myself, doing the laundry, making appointments for myself, setting aside time for myself to blog, to paint, learn something new. Stuff along those lines.
I like to think that I am already tackling this. 25 pounds down the past year. Setting up dates to hike with a friend. Taking ‘ukulele lessons once a week. Keeping my room cleaned up. Keeping my children on task with their chores. Crossing things off my to-do list in a more timely fashion.
What am I going to do to keep going? One foot in front of the other. Just do it, don’t wait. Don’t wait until later. Don’t push “snooze” when my to-do, or reminder, pops up on my phone. Get out the door. Pick-up the phone. Turn on the vacuum. Carry that laundry downstairs and get it going. Good stuff like that.
The big thing for me is though, to keep it up. To keep doing these actions and moving forward each and every day.
I also wanted to talk about what I decided to do about Day 1. Day 1 was about me setting up 2 new daily “Rituals” for myself. Have I done that yet? Um, I don’t think so. Not in the way that I understood that I am supposed to. To set one up in the morning and then another in the evening.
The thing is, I think I already have established a pretty good routine of rituals for myself lately. In the morning, after I get the kids to school, I make myself a nice breakfast and I sit and just relax for a while and enjoy my breakfast. Be that on my computer cleaning out my e-mails. Checking on Facebook. Reading a news article on-line. Doing bills. No matter what it may be, it’s me time. After that, I move on to what I have in mind next.
In the evenings I have been plopping my fanny on the couch to get in some relaxation time. Watching a show that I have on the DVR. If I’m not doing that, I have been getting my family to play a board game with me. I also read in bed, or watch a show that I have on the DVR in my bedroom.
This is all acceptable to me. I think that I definitely find time for myself.
Some things that I would like to see change are… getting out for more walks and spending time with my Husband, and setting up more family time. Three things that I really miss. 🙂
Good morning! This was my comment after watching this video this morning. You’re going to laugh!
“May 6, 2013… that’s how long I have been saving this video in my email inbox. Today is January 25, 2016! It’s about time right?!?! Yes! So, I watched this 1st wonderful video (while chopping an acorn squash in my kitchen, instead of sitting on my butt. Which is how I started it.) and am thinking… hmmmm… what kind of ritual would I like to have in the morning? Something different than I already have from my amazing life? Ha!! I’ll let you know when I figure that out. Thanks for all you do ladies! Can’t wait for day 2 tomorrow. 🙂 #Healthy #TheLifeOfAMother #JustForMe #TheSelfLoveRevolution”
I’ve been saving them for the right time to focus on “Me”. Haha, can you believe it! Focus on me? You would think I would have watched these a very, very long time ago.
The truth is, I try and focus on myself as much as I can. Yes, I have a super busy life, yes, I like it that way. Husband, Father, 4 Children, Myself… all in one house. Believe it, or not, we have a pretty damn good balance. This doesn’t mean that I don’t get off kilter from time-to-time, because, believe me I do. It just means that this wasn’t first on my list. Does that also mean that, I am not first on my list? No, I definitely try, I just get sidetracked.
After watching this video, I really feel like I need to stop and figure out a ritual that I would like to have that is different from what I already to. Take today for instance… My Husband kissed me goodbye. I got up, used the restroom, put my contacts on, combed any lasting lice eggs out of my youngest Son’s just-washed-hair, cleaned up, washed my face, flossed my teeth, brushed my teeth, put on my skincare products, brushed my hair, then got dressed. Kissed my 3rd Son goodbye for school, cooked 5 scrambled eggs for the 4th Son, ate a yogurt, powdered the two dogs with flea powder, put them in their kennel, then was off to take my 4th Son to school. There was my morning, thus far.
If I just look at that little part of my morning, I think that it was pretty productive.
I didn’t even mention everything that I did after I got back from that school drop off. Let the dogs out of the kennel, the 3 of us made our way upstairs to my room, chatted with the cable company, chatted with the sales guy, Alec, at the gym my boys want to join, cleaned my room, text with my 4 of my girlfriends and 2 of my Nieces, did Day 1 of a 30 day Squat Challenge, vacuumed my bedroom, watched this 1st video while chopping an acorn squash and putting it away for later, then made myself a yummy #LunchForOne, said good morning to my two oldest that have today off from school, had an intense conversation with my 2nd Son about his behavior towards others and how it makes them feel, then finally sat down to blog.
Phew! Haha! Yes, a pretty normal day for me. Now that I read back through all of that, what have I really done for me? Perfect reason for me to find a new ritual. Time to get my head together and figure that out ASAP. Maybe on the drive over to pick up my little Cousin from school? Or, maybe while I’m sitting in the carpool line picking up my youngest Son and 2 others that I drive home on the daily? Haha!
I’ll figure it out. I love to journal. I love to paint. I am a woman who goes through spurts and doesn’t really stick to the thinks I love, unless it is washing my face and tending to myself that way. At least I can say that I take care of myself with using amazing skincare products, having clean and nice clothes, a beautiful closet that I love to dress out of, books that I love to read and living in a town that I can never get enough of. 🙂
16 years ago today I was had been in the hospital since two days before, trying desperately have my first Son. Later in the evening, after 52 hours of labor, two hours of pushing and an awful experience with a c-section, Alex was born.
They handed him directly to us, Andrew and I. His little head of hair was glowing golden and I started to cry, then everything went blank.
I remember waking up to my Niece, Charmaine’s, voice. “Kathleen wake up. Kathleen.”
I remember hearing voices in the hall, which I think were my Sister and my Husband.
I remember him trying to latch-on for the first time. It took a few tries, but he was a big eater. Just wanted to lay there all the time. Eat and sleep. When he wasn’t in my arms he was with Andrew.
The new love in our lives.
I can’t believe that was 16 years ago. It is so sweet the love that I had for him and how much more it is today.
He is an amazing child. Strong, gorgeous, serious, happy, athletic, grumpy, analytical, witty, independent and so much more.
I want to write about all the things I remember, but that would take a world of time. Instead, I am going to just keep it short and say that I love him with all of my heart.
I know him better than he knows himself. I know his quirks, sighs, deer-in-the-headlight-look, smile, walk, body movement and all.
When I think about how much he has grown and what a wonderful young man he has become, it brings tears to my eyes.
This may not be a very flowing and great post, but I am emotional today. It’s all so bittersweet and goes by too quickly. I truly always wish that time would just slow down.
I miss all the little smiles, naked carefree littles, that my children were. They aren’t like that any more. I was hoping that would never change, but it does. I will attempt to say, that it did, even through I tried to keep their silliness in tact. I try to remind them all the time of who they were then, how they were then, how they smiled, loved and were carefree. I want them to remember that that doesn’t have to go away. I do my best, but they will become who they will. I just know that they will be amazing. As they always were.
Yesterday I set out on another hike at the Land of Medicine Buddha and into the Enchanted Forest. This time with my good friend, Jen.
It was an absolutely gorgeous morning. How could it not be though, with the amazing place we call home.
We took a shorter route than I did the last week. This one about a mile and a half. After that loop, we walked the Eight Versus Trail to get a little extra land in. We finished at about 3 miles. 3 glorious miles though.
It was the first time that I went to the temple and saw this amazing statue. It was huge. I am assuming about 25 feet tall. All indoors.
I didn’t go in, but will next time. Maybe bring a token of my gratification for whomever created this beautiful place for me to enjoy.
Even though I am not religious, I find that looking at these little beautiful scenes that I find all over this property, brings me a calm. I’ll welcome that any time.
While visiting one of the little shrines in the Enchanted Forest, I found a rock that was placed for Madyson Middleton. I was hoping I would see one. That made me smile. HOWEL FOR MADDY!!
At one point of the short round about, we walked down hill. Steep down the hill. My knees don’t usually like that, but I am feeling pretty great today, so I’ll probably to it again if I want a shorter hike day.
I love looking around and noticing all of the changes going on for Autumn. The color of the leaves, the ferns in full force, the wildflowers dyeing off.