Tag Archive | boys

Three off to College and I’m a Disaster

Aug20
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August 18, 2019

At least my tears weren’t streaming down my face today like the past several days. It has been a whirlwind of a week, that’s for sure. I’ve been a disaster.

Dropping one child at college is hard enough. Man, last year was a doozy. This year almost seemed to kill me. With three of them leaving at the same time. What the hell! Yes, I am proud. Yes, one went a year early, but holy hell, that doesn’t make it any easier for this Momma.

I’m super freaked out about my 16-year-old going to big university so young. It has always been his path, shit he looks 20, but he sure as hell doesn’t have the maturity. He is 16 and it shows! He tries to pretend he is older. Didn’t we all at that age? I just worry like hell about him. About his emotional state especially. He is so hard on himself, has some super down days. I’m not there to help during those times now. I am just so thankful that he has two older Brothers there that he can reach out too. I’m just hoping that he will if he ever needs too. I’m hoping they all three reach out to each other when they need it the most. That’s what scares me the most. Teenagers, humans really, don’t always reach out. I usually know, because I hover I guess you could say. That hovering keeps my children safe and alive though, I can tell you that much.

After I left my two oldest at the university on Tuesday, I cried the whole way home. Hard, soaking wet face, snotty nose, crying. Boy can I make tears! My two youngest sons where in the car trying to sleep and clueless I was a freaking mess. I was so exhausted when I got home, and then I couldn’t sleep, which isn’t like me at all. I was just freaked out. I felt like I was dropping my children off at the Fire Station and I wasn’t going to see them again. Knowing they are only less than two hours away just hadn’t kicked in yet.

I was quietly jumping for joy when my third son told me that he wanted to come home after we moved all of their stuff in that Tuesday. He wanted to spend more time with his girlfriend before classes started. I was just happy to have him home for a few more days. Really loved that, even though he is at that age where he isn’t conversing with me much. I’ll take what I can get. No doubt!

When you have half of your family gone all of a sudden, it is the strangest thing in the world. It feels eerily dim. Empty. Makes me feel like I want to puke when I think about it. I thank goodness for the phone, text, FaceTime and FindFriends. A true savior I tell you. I’m thankful that they respond, well, most of the time. I just have to be patient. Also, the dinner table seems empty.

The worst is not being there right when they need you. My second Son ended up getting severely dehydrated and ended up in the Hospital. I spent my morning from 6:00 a.m. on Friday finding out what time the SHS (Student Health Services) opened. Screen-shotted a map of campus and drew an arrow where he needed to go ASAP. Got his older brother up to help him, which took a few tries since he had been out late. I’m again, just so thankful that they have each other there. My oldest met up with him and got him to the SHS. They immediately put him on an IV bag of fluids and started running labs. I secured backup at work, just incase I needed to immediately leave and head to them. Three hours later the doctor was calling me to tell me that he needed to get to the ER. She called ahead and had them prepare for his arrival at the Children’s ER. They Ubered over to the hospital and they took great care of them. My oldest was giving me a play-by-play the whole time. I was able to make it there that evening. Hugged my second son, then went to drop my first and third sons back at their dorms.

On the way back to the hospital I was in full mom-mode. Ready to love on this kid and do all that I could to get him better and out of the hospital. I brought snacks, my favorite Rumple blanket and plenty of water. I was prepared to stay as long as needed.

One of the best things about he and I being at the hospital together, was how much we talked. I took puzzle books, and books for us to read, and we never got to them. We just talked to each other. Talked to the wonderful his wonderful nurse, Nurse Fred, and to the two doctors that came into see us. They were so great and wanted to have conversations with Devin. The experience was very positive, even during a very scary time.

As we went to sleep in the hospital that night, all I kept envisioning was him walking out of there the next day. Getting him healthy. Getting him back to school and him starting his classes on Monday. Of course every time I heard a beep in his room that night, I shot straight up to stare at him and make sure he was okay. My sweet baby. He may be almost 18, but he is still one of my babies.

Saturday afternoon was a great one when we were able to check out of the hospital and head back to the university. The doctors were so happy to give him the, all-clear. I still felt much trepidation leaving there, but it was time and I couldn’t have been more thankful that he was able to do so.

Back at the dorm with all three of my oldest kiddos is always exciting and surreal. Meals together at the dining hall, shopping for little things they need for their dorm… snacks and drinks and Mom organizing their rooms for them. That always makes me so happy. I actually really love being there with them. If I lived closer I would probably torture them with much more often visits. Ha!

I slept on the floor that night of my two middle boys’ dorm. I was offered a bed, but declined. I had brought my own camping pad and was fine sleeping on that. I just needed them to get a good nights sleep in their beds that I made for them. Comfortable and familiar. It’s important to me.

Sunday morning we all got up and ready for breakfast. My oldest is in a different dorm than my middle two that share a room. We met up and went to the dining hall together. Checking out all of the food options, pursuing the meal stations together. Talking over breakfast. Some things serious and others laughing and enjoying each others company.

My third son and I made a quick trip after breakfast to grab two things he needed at the drug story. We headed back to the dorm and we all reconvene. A bit later they helped me with my things to the car. I loved on them, took some photos and found myself holding my breathe each time I felt like I was going to start sobbing. I went through the Starbucks drive through in full tears (thank you Kim and JJ) to treat myself to a chai.  I headed home a total wreck. Again.

I know no one really wants to hear all of the basic details of my week, but it feels good to put some of it down in writing. Believe it, or not, it was a hard fucking week for me. It’s also been a hard fucking month, a hard fucking Summer and an even harder fucking past two years. I am a survivor though. I may have days that I wallow, cry, freak the hell out, but that is me. I can also say that on the flip-side I am constantly trying to be happy, positive, plan fun things for our family and live a great life the best I can.

Today is Tuesday and the second day of classes for my college boys. They are settling in and seem invested and excited. I’ll keep stalking them on our family map until I can calm myself the hell down.

So happy I get to see them on Thursday again already for my second sons 18th birthday. I couldn’t be happier. I would drive to the ends of the earth to spend a moment with them. XOXO

 

Tears and an Unsettled Heart

Aug13

r7hepa%9TUOXXfsUuUPjFAI cried the whole way home. My two youngest clueless in the car with me. Trying desperately to sleep since it was after 11:00.

Moving my three oldest Son’s into their dorm rooms today was exhausting physically and emotionally. It was hot, humid and there was a shit-load of stuff to get packed, loaded and then unloaded. I do have to say, It was all successful though.

I didn’t get to finish setting up their rooms like I like. It calms me, helps me to know they are organized and can move on with this new part of their lives. Instead of feeling at ease when I left each one of their dorm rooms, I felt sad, unfinished and unsettled. That wasn’t what I wanted to feel at all. You know what else? I didn’t even get a family photo before I left. That made me even more upset.

The other day, my third Son decided to come back home with me to spend some more time with his girlfriend before classes start. He was pressuring me to leave tonight. I was running out of time and it was getting very late. Unfortunately, we left our house this afternoon two hours after the time I had really wanted too. That left me short for doing what I needed to for them. I had originally planned on staying the night. Helping them organize, take them by the store to stock up on some snacks and give one last celebratory toast to a great year ahead. I guess I will just need to try it all again on Saturday when I take my third Son back.

I still can’t get over leaving my kids and knowing that I won’t get to see them every day. Give them a good morning hug and love on them. I’m going to have three gone this year and it is working me over. I’m so stuffed up from crying the whole drive home. I even had to keep wiping my nose on my shirt, because I didn’t have any Kleenex in the car. It kept bringing me back to when they were little. Them always cleaning their face on the front of my shirt. Those memories just made me cry harder. Damnit!

I’m home now and it’s almost 1:30 in the morning. My eyes are swollen and my nose is raw. I feel sad. A bit empty. The week ahead is a busy one. I guess I will just need to try again on Saturday. This time sticking with my own plan and not letting my children influence me for doing what they want. I know better than to give in. It never seems to make me feel good.

I’m a fucking sappy mess and need to go and sleep this off. Cry myself to sleep, I guess. Let’s just hope I can do just that.

xoxo

“I told you I’m fine.”

Dec4

“I told you I’m fine,” when he had fainted 15 hours before. “I told you I’m fine,” after he tells me his head feels like it’s between a vice. “I told you I’m fine,” after he’s had diarrhea for three weeks and just told me so this morning. “I told you I’m fine,” after throwing up all day Sunday. “I told you I’m fine,” after he steps down off the scale showing he’s lost roughly 10 pounds. “I told you I’m fine,” after he tells me he can only eat and drink a little at a time. “I told you I’m fine,” after he called me from school saying he only made it up two flights of stairs and had to take the elevator the last two, because he felt so weak. “I told you I’m fine,” after he sat in my room and told me that every little sound was magnified and he he just wanted to lay in his bed where it is quiet. “I told you I’m fine,” when he looks into my eyes and he is clearly not.

Son, you are not fine. You will not leave our side. You will see a doctor. I will make sure you get better. These symptoms do not mean that you are fine. To appease me does not make you fine. The only fine thing will be when you smile and tell me how great you feel. For real. That is when you will be fine.

In the meantime I will keep at it. Keep caring about you. Keep watch over you. Keep trying to figure out how to make you fine and heathy. I will never give up. I am your Mother. The only time I am happy is when you are truly ‘fine’.

I love you. ❌⭕️❌⭕️

Missing Birthdays

Oct22

I never even thought about the important days that we all spend together always. Meaning, the ones we automatically have spent together all of these years and will now be missed by Alex. Most recently thinking about, Birthdays. Not having Alex here makes me feel so sad. I wonder how his brothers feel? Maybe the same. I’m not quite sure. Geez, I wonder how Alex feels? Probably terrible. Ug!

We have been FaceTime-ing Alex in. We’ve done it for both Devin and Pierce’s birthdays now. With mine coming up, will I be next? I don’t know how I feel about that. I think that I am going to have to come up with another plan. A new plan for future birthdays and holidays too. He is so close, this should be better planned. It should be easy. A no brainer!

I will brainstorm today and figure it out. This can’t go on and set the tone for the future. It’s not acceptable to me and it shouldn’t be for the rest of my family either.

Just my thoughts for today. 🙂

xoxo

3 Weeks Today I Left My First Born at College.

Sep6

It’s been 3 weeks today! Oh man, I’m dying! Hahaha!! Laugh if you will, laugh at me, go ahead. I don’t care. I’m laughing at myself a little bit too. I can’t help it though. I miss him!

I was walking upstairs last night and glanced down the hall to his room. I shouted, “Where’s Alex?!” From the office I hear, “what?” from my husband. I started to laugh and said, “I’m just kidding, but I was hoping that he was just in his room taking a nap.” Oh man did I.

On the other hand, I know he is exactly where he needs to be. He is working hard, starting to feel the stress of his classes, making friends, found the grocery store, took a friend out to sushi, learning the bus system, attended his first football game (that got delayed, then canceled and rescheduled for the next day) and sat in the sweltering metal stands, joined his first club, feels bored from time-to-time and so much more. Yes, he is exactly where he needs to be. I just keep telling myself that.

Each day I expect to see him come downstairs to take his shower. Come into the kitchen with his wet hair and a smile on his face, hug me and tell me good morning. Ask me how I am. Fill up his bowl with Cheerios and warm them up in the oven. Filling the kitchen with scents of oats. Watch him tiptoe to the kitchen table to eat and read his fan fiction sites. I miss those morning. I miss it all.

It’s so odd to be so torn as a parent. Knowing you are doing the right thing and feeling sad in your heart all at once. Remembering that you are doing the right thing, but feeling the sadness of the persons absence. Especially for a person like me that doesn’t usually feel separation anxiety. Ever. I guess there is a first for everything.

Over this past weekend, a long 3-day weekend, he didn’t want to come home. We were on a FaceTime call and I mentioned him coming home. I could tell he didn’t want to say that he didn’t want to by the look on his face. Also, that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He is so sweet that way. I let it go and said we could chat about it again another time and to just think about it, knowing that I knew didn’t want to come home yet.  I talked myself though it in my head… ‘Okay, he is happy, having fun, him not wanting not come home is a good thing. Right? Right! Keep remembering that, Kathleen.’ That went on for a long time. Over several days. Hahaha!! Yes, several days.

Guess what I am doing tomorrow? Going to see him!! Damn straight! When we spoke last night I told him that I was coming for a visit. That I missed him and that I couldn’t stand it any more! Hahaha!! He looked happy. (He also told me that his friend Zoei was dying to meet me. That’s pretty cool!) When I told him I was bringing my camping pad to sleep on his dorm floor, he kind of snickered and didn’t now what to say or how to react. Hahaha!! I left it in his court to come up with one. Told him that I would call him today. What he doesn’t know is that I have already looked at AirBNB for places to stay in town. Hahaha!! I just want to see if he can come up with a plan, because he knows that I WILL sleep on his floor. If you know me, you know I am super good at flying by at the seat of my pants, but always have some type of plans in my head just in case.

I must say, with the sadness of missing my Son, the proud and happy feelings of him happy supersedes the sadness by far.  🙂

xoxo

Parents & Teenagers & Unspoken Words

May23

I worry. I worry consistently about my children. I know they don’t share everything with me. Probably not even half if I am guessing. I find it so strange, then I look back to confiding in my Mother. I guess for some, it just doesn’t happen. Even if we think we are close to them and we know it all, we don’t. We never will and this terrifies me.

I want to be there for them when they are sad, feeling broken, happy, maybe they have met someone new. It doesn’t always happen. I feel like I am pulling teeth and they are giving me a painful look when I ask them about their day, their friends, their relationships, anything. I feel hurt. Maybe I’m selfish? Selfish with wanting them to be happy 29 out of 30 days a month. I want to see them smile. I want to know they are okay.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe I have a strong relationship with all of my children. I know that they love me. They tell me they love me daily. Kiss me good-bye and good night evey day. I take great care of them in all of the “Motherly” ways. I just know there is more to it than that. More going on with them, than what they give me willingly.

I go to bed terrified at night when I haven’t seen one of them smile all day, or even make an effort to talk to me. I can’t stand the distance. Especially when I know something is wrong. I can see it in their eyes, their body stance, the way they hold their mouth. I have a right to feel terrified. I am their Mother and I feel noting but love for them and want to keep them safe in any way that I can.

Some humans don’t discuss what is on their mind, because they don’t want to feel like they are overly talking about themselves, being self-absorbed, complaining, or whining. Sometimes we do it because we don’t want someone to feel sorry for us, feel like we are a burden, or weak. I’m sure I could list a hundred more reasons why we don’t talk to others about our feelings, our thoughts, or what has happened recently in our lives that has made us feel off. Sad. Alone. Even miserable. We’ve all done it. What we forget is, we are not alone. There is always someone who will just listen. The problem is, we are afraid.  Don’t want to seem incapable of handling our emotions. Frankly, it sucks!

We need to talk, we need to express ourselves, we need to vent, we need to cry, we need to wallow, we need to work it out. If we don’t, then it sits in a deep pit. A dangerous pit that the only way out is to climb out of that damn pit yourself, or let someone help you. To grab onto their hand and let them pull you out.

Today I am in worry mode. I have been for several months now. We moved to a new State. It’s been 9 months. I don’t feel in my heart that anyone has really adjusted well. Especially my 4 teenagers. They miss their friends. They miss the ease of our old neighborhood. They miss their daily routine. I bet they even feel like life has been stagnate here, like not much has moved forward.

Sometimes in life you do things for your family, because you think it is the right thing for you all as a whole. California housing prices were sucking us in. Living to just pay for the house you are living in and the bills to keep that house alive, are just not a way to live. Children don’t know that though. They see a well-oiled machine and then their parents just threw a wrench into the engine and broke it.

I never realized it would take this long for them to adjust. To feel happy again. With social media today, I thought that it would be easier for them to keep in touch with their friends. Unfortunately, I believe it has been just as much as a hinderance. Especially with how things are today.

Social media started out as a way to keep in touch. Connect with friends and family and sometimes make new friends. Today it seems that it breaks more relationships than it keeps alive. Especially for our children. Posts and words are taken negatively, texts are misconstrued. Someone is always feeling defensive. People that are being honest are taken as liars. The liars are getting away with causing so much pain and the honest ones are the one’s suffering. Some suffering more than others. It truly breaks my heart.

I remember when we communicated a lot over email. Even our emails started to get taken the wrong way. We all know that 5 people can read the same email and if asked about that email, we would get 5 different interpretations. Imagine that with the short simple texts. It can be hell, I’m sure. It always seems when something is read these days it is deciphered depending on the readers current mood. It’s interesting and detrimental all at the same time. Especially with our teenagers. It scares the hell out of me.

It all dwindles down to the way we communicate with each other. I’m for sure a talker. I want to talk about everything. Know everything. I love honesty and truth. I love having a conversation of the heart. I always ask a lot of questions. I love to learn. I love having a conversation about the weather. I love having a conversation about the color of the dirt. I love hearing about your day. I love hearing about your successes for the day. I love hearing about the argument you had with your friend. I love hearing about what your plans are for the weekend. I love hearing about how your girlfriend pissed you off. I love hearing about how dumb you thought that kid was in your class today. I love hearing about what scares you. I love hearing about what made you angry today. I love hearing about your job. I love hearing about your dreams. I love hearing about it all and I just want to talk to my kids and Husband all day long.

I want them to need me. I want them to want to spend time with me. I want them to know how much I care about them. How much I want to listen to them when they are hurting. I am always here. Unfortunately, it doesn’t happen. Then I am back here hoping, wanting, poking, prodding and begging them to let me in.

I am their Mother, so I know they don’t want to tell me everything, but I would hope that they would let me in a little. Show me the honesty and sharing that I have taught them. Come to me when they are happy and when they are also feeling down. Let me help them. Give me a chance to tell them that there is always another wonderful road to explore, even though sometimes we take a wrong turn.

The unspoken words are the ones that worry me. No, they truly scare the hell out of me. xoxo

Photos Are Our History

Oct13

Good morning!☀️🌞😃 

This is such a true statement. I’ve talked to people that have burned, thrown away or tore up old photos. I don’t believe in that. I think that photos are your history. With good memories, or bad. They are still your history and something that should be cherished.

I wish that I had more photos of myself when I was young. I have one of myself with my father. I have another of myself with my Mother. Another of my Grandmother, myself and my Cousin Keith. A couple of myself while very young alone while enjoying summer vacation. A couple teenage ones. Now, a lot as an adult. 

I take tons of photos of my children. They hold so many memories for me. One day when they look at them, I hope they will hold wonderful memories for them and show them their history.

That brings me to another subject. Don’t forget to save and also print out the photos on your phones. I think thousands, even millions, of photos are getting lost each day, because we dont download them and print them out. What a waste. Take some time and do it. You will be happy you did. 🙂

xoxo 

16 Years Ago Today…

Dec3
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Thanksgiving 2015

16 years ago today I was had been in the hospital since two days before, trying desperately have my first Son. Later in the evening, after 52 hours of labor, two hours of pushing and an awful experience with a c-section, Alex was born.

They handed him directly to us, Andrew and I. His little head of hair was glowing golden and I started to cry, then everything went blank.

I remember waking up to my Niece, Charmaine’s, voice. “Kathleen wake up. Kathleen.”

I remember hearing voices in the hall, which I think were my Sister and my Husband.

I remember him trying to latch-on for the first time.  It took a few tries, but he was a big eater.  Just wanted to lay there all the time.  Eat and sleep. When he wasn’t in my arms he was with Andrew.

The new love in our lives.

I can’t believe that was 16 years ago. It is so sweet the love that I had for him and how much more it is today.

He is an amazing child. Strong, gorgeous, serious, happy, athletic, grumpy, analytical, witty, independent and so much more.

I want to write about all the things I remember, but that would take a world of time. Instead, I am going to just keep it short and say that I love him with all of my heart.

I know him better than he knows himself. I know his quirks, sighs, deer-in-the-headlight-look, smile, walk, body movement and all.

When I think about how much he has grown and what a wonderful young man he has become, it brings tears to my eyes.

This may not be a very flowing and great post, but I am emotional today. It’s all so bittersweet and goes by too quickly. I truly always wish that time would just slow down.

I miss all the little smiles, naked carefree littles, that my children were. They aren’t like that any more.  I was hoping that would never change, but it does. I will attempt to say, that it did, even through I tried to keep their silliness in tact. I try to remind them all the time of who they were then, how they were then, how they smiled, loved and were carefree. I want them to remember that that doesn’t have to go away. I do my best, but they will become who they will. I just know that they will be amazing. As they always were.

I love you, Alex! Happy 16th Birthday. 🙂

xoxo

 

7 Things I Love About My Husband

Oct7

1… He’s super funny and makes me laugh and smile.IMG_5515

2… He cleans up my puke.  Seriously.  Laugh if you must, but this is huge. We laugh about it, you can too.

3… His ass. Perfect.

4… His drive in everything that he does.  It’s inspiring and a turn-on.

5… His strength. If he ever had to carry me miles to safety, he would. He would probably be crying after a minute, or two, because I am too heavy, but he is super strong and he would do it no matter what.

6… He is so damn smart! He’s my Renaissance Man. I totally dig that about him.

7… He’s an amazing Father.  Just ask my Boys, they’ll tell you the same. No hesitation.

🙂

XOXO

Honesty From a 10-Year-Old

Oct5

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A couple of months ago a little girl was murdered on our area. It was an absolute tragedy. The community has come together to create a very positive light for her memory to survive.

This morning I was telling my youngest Son that it is Madyson Middleton’s Birthday and her Mother has put a celebration together for her today. A gathering that is open to all to attend at Harvey West Park. Bounce House, Art, Face Painting, snacks.  I asked him if he would like to attend?

He looked at me and said… “Mom, I don’t think I want to go, I think that I would just be sad the whole time. I understand that this is to celebrate her birthday, but why would her mother and family want to keep being reminded that she is gone? That would make me just feel worse.”

I told him that this is a way for some people to cope with their loss in a positive way. They celebrate, remember, do some of their favorite things and remember the happy times. He still didn’t agree. His face looked scrunched and deep in though. He just said, “I just don’t think that they should be having a party. I can’t go. It will make me sad.”

I sighed and hugged him tight. I have to say that I agree with my very thoughtful little man. I appreciate his honesty and his sincerity. Even though I understand why the gathering is being held, I don’t think that I would be able to hold such an event if it were me. It’s not me though, and I respect others and their feelings.

My family didn’t know the little girl who was murdered. We do know good friends of hers though. I know they are having a very tough day. I know that every day is tough. That is what death brings to us. Sadness, anger, confusion and so much more. It can be debilitating.  I know, I’ve felt loss.

Tell those close to you that you love them. Right this very minute. Support those that need it the most. Right this very minute. Hug everyone that you can. Every day. There is never a wrong positive gesture. Do it now. Don’t wait. 🙂

xo