Archives

Photos Are Our History

Good morning!☀️🌞😃 

This is such a true statement. I’ve talked to people that have burned, thrown away or tore up old photos. I don’t believe in that. I think that photos are your history. With good memories, or bad. They are still your history and something that should be cherished.

I wish that I had more photos of myself when I was young. I have one of myself with my father. I have another of myself with my Mother. Another of my Grandmother, myself and my Cousin Keith. A couple of myself while very young alone while enjoying summer vacation. A couple teenage ones. Now, a lot as an adult. 

I take tons of photos of my children. They hold so many memories for me. One day when they look at them, I hope they will hold wonderful memories for them and show them their history.

That brings me to another subject. Don’t forget to save and also print out the photos on your phones. I think thousands, even millions, of photos are getting lost each day, because we dont download them and print them out. What a waste. Take some time and do it. You will be happy you did. 🙂

xoxo 

Exhausted Mother and it’s only 7:47 a.m.

Waking up my chilthe_secretdren is the least of my concerns in the morning. Wanting them to leave with a smile on their face is a whole different concern in itself. Maybe I shouldn’t say concern. Maybe it is more like a need that I have?

We all worry about our children’s happiness. Well, I hope as hell you do! I do. Every single moment that I look at them, I want a sign that they are happy. It’s in me and I can’t help myself.

When I hear negative words out of their mouthes, no matter the subject matter, see a sad face, eyes watering up, I worry. Plain and simple, it affects me.

Last night I downloaded an app that allows me to “pause” my children’s phones. It simply makes it so that they can only make, or receive, a phone call. All of the rest is paused, until I un-pause it.

After putting it on my oldest Sons phone, apparently it moved some of his apps all around and jumbled it a bit. He freaked out.

A little background on my oldest son. He is the sweetest kid you will ever meet. He is loving, sensitive, honest to a fault, highly intelligent, if you are a friend of his he super committed to that friendship. I could go on and on. Not because he is my Son, but because I like to see the beauty in everyone and I just think that he is just an all around amazing person. Period.

He is also happy, sad, outgoing, introverted, smart, skeptical, trusting and untrusting. Just to name a few. When he is in one of those pessimistic moods, all I want to do is hug him. Tell him to smile. Ask him to work on his happiness. Remind him that he is so loved and there is no reason for him to be angry or feel defensive.

He is my one that I tend to worry about the most. The one that I hope that I am not screwing him up in some way. The one that I want to take any pain away that I feel like he has in his heart, and just make it all better for him. I try, but I know deep in my heart that I can not.

He was bullied when he was younger. This already sensitive soul, was bullied verbally, and it has affected him deeply. To a point that now when sometimes you make a suggestion of something, point something out, ask him to change something, he is super defensive. To the point, that if you ask him to not wear his beanie to school today, he feels like I am picking on him. Even though, I point out that he is super gorgeous, because he is, and that I just thought that not wearing his beanie today, because it is going to be 83 degrees, would be a better idea.

I’m coming to find out, that I just need to let him be. Let him be who he is. Let him wear what he wants. To be his own person. Which, I think I have been pretty good about, but I am still his Mother and always want what I think is best. Even though, it isn’t what HE thinks is best. I am truly finding that balance.

Back to last night and the app that I installed on mine and their phones to “pause” them. When I gave him his phone back, and it looked a bit disheveled, he lost it. He cried, explained why he was upset and I felt terrible. He felt betrayed. He felt untrusted. He felt like one of his lifelines (his phone that he reads on every single day) was now not going to be the same. It broke my heart to hear his words and see how upset he was with me. When is Brother told him, “it’s just a phone”, he went into how lonely he is and how his social life is not like his (as in his Brother that he was talking too), that his life is through reading and the stories that he enjoys so much. It made me so sad, but it made total sense. Especially since I know that he is still hurting from losing his best friend a bit over a year ago. She was having her own personal issues and just cut their friendship off all at once and he still hasn’t recovered. He hurt him to his core.

I called him into the privacy of my room for us to chat. Explained what I was doing. That I wasn’t invading his privacy, that I trusted him with all of my being, that this was to simply pause them, when and if we needed too. Frankly, because there are times when I wish their computers and phones were gone. I feel like they are too highly used and an expansion of their lives. Too relied on. I also explained to him that I never meant to hurt his feelings, to make him feel like I would be betraying his privacy, that I trusted him and I never meant for him to lose any of his reading, or music, that I know he feels like are a lifeline and stress reliever for him.

Once we talked and looked over his phone, everything seemed to be there. I hope that he went to bed knowing that everything would be okay and that I loved him. I really did feel awful. Being a Mother is hard sometimes. Really hard other times and amazing the rest of the time.

This morning, after he thought money was missing from his wallet, because he thought I had given him $20 last week and the change wasn’t there this morning. I reminded him, that I had only given him a 5 or a 10 dollar bill and not a 20. That would explain why there was less in his wallet then he was thinking. Well, before I told him that, he had already gone down the wrong path. This is a good example of the hardship that he puts on his brain and his soul. He is now upset, clearly. The whole house can feel it. I put my hands on his shoulders and asked him to do something for me. Not only for me, but for himself. To go on a mission. A mission to only laugh, smile, think good thoughts, admire others, make positive comments, to make a change. To feel good. They say a change takes 3 months, right? That it is scientifically proven. Well, I told him that. I told him to see what happens when he does it, how he can watch his life change before him. He grunted. He’s 16. I’m a Mom that tries too hard. Ha! Well, at least I try. I try only out of love.

On our way to school I told him a little about myself when I was young. I told him that when I was somewhere between the ages of 8 and 10, I did ‘t like what I was seeing all around me. Arguing, infidelity, drug addicts, lying, fighting, all within my home with my parents and brothers. I didn’t want to be like that. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to have positive things in my life. I wanted to laugh, smile, hug, have fun and bring happiness to my life. I told him that I work hard at it every single day. It isn’t always easy, but there is no reason that I can’t keep trying and doing it for myself. It is what he need, or else we will down in all the crap. That I strive to be happy every day and I know that he can do it too.

What it all comes down to, is keeping my children safe, hoping that I can help them always be happy and helping them in anyway that I can. I would do anything for them. It doesn’t change the fact that I get sad too. I get sad when I feel like they are sad, or lonely. I feel it all.

My children are the loves of my life. 🙂

xoxo

P.S. Thoughts and comments would be appreciated here at the WordPress site, rather than on Facebook, or Google+.  Thank you!

Movies that make you go hmmm…

 I love a movie that just gets your thoughts flowing… What would it be like to hike the PCT? Am I out of control in my life? Would my Boys be sad if I died? Why haven’t I bought a new pair of hiking books, I love to hike? Am I wasting my life? What is my full potential? I wonder if I make my family happy? Does Andrew still love me the way he used to? Am I boring? Am I disgusting? Am I happy? I’m so happy the weather is cool today. I’m happy I got those counters decluttering in the kitchen today. I don’t want to die. What time is it? I miss camping. I wonder how much the train is to Oregon? I wonder if I make Andrew happy? Don’t forget to ask Dad if he can pick Devin up today. Maybe I should look into posting those bikes on Craigslist. I could totally hike for miles in my Tevas. I wonder what kinds of essentials I would need for a long backpacking trip? I need to book us a trip to the Treesort. I wonder which train station is closest to the Treesort? I wonder if Andrew would be up for a train ride? I wonder if Andrew can get some time off work? I haven’t ridden my bike for a while, maybe I’ll take it over to Perfectly Pressed tomorrow. I need to start riding that hill more often to get stamina. One day it will get easier, right? Why am I so hungry today? I wonder how many points that juice was I drank this morning? I wonder how many points beets juiced are? What the hell is with all of these “national” days? I wonder who decides and creates these “national” days? They’re kind of dumb, are people that bored? I would never do heroine. Why are my eyes bothering me so much?

My crazy thoughts for an afternoon. I must say though, that movies as these get your juices flowing. I like that. 😀

xo

New Year Resolutions

I don’t do New Year Resolutions.  I always tell people I am amazing at helping reach other people’s goals, but my own, not so much.  I’ve always put them out there, have even taken planning skills classes.  Complete with daytime’s, goal setting pages, etc.  No such luck.  I don’t know why, it all just doesn’t seem to happen for me, or maybe it just all doesn’t seem that important.  More important than the big picture.  I am more of a live in the moment type of person.  I think about things I want to do constantly.  For instance… travel more, get my ass to Europe ASAP, lose 50 pounds, clean the house, be a better mother, start cooking more again, get out the door and take that walk, finish emptying these damn boxes, work a my Boys’ schools again, and so much more.  What it all really comes down to, for me, is to just get up and get going.  Some days, not.  Some days I just want to read all day.  Some days I just want to get in my car and drive.  Other days I would just love to get on a plane with my family and go, go, go.  Today I am going to blog.  🙂

xo

P.S. I miss my housekeeper.  Ha!

Monday is just not my day for new beginnings.

1656430_10151822358426734_239829579_nI‘ve always had a thing about not starting new things on Mondays.  Tuesday has always been my day.  I may think about it, but never seem to act on until Tuesday.  Don’t ask me why, it has always just felt the best for me.

Today I have been thinking off some of the things that I need to start doing… Getting up and being dressed before my Boys.  Cooking more.  Running on the treadmill again.  Just to name a few.

Tomorrow is Tuesday and the day for me to start a few things anew.  🙂

xo