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Who you were before…

fullsizeoutput_c6c8What a great question this poses. “Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?” Can you? I can.

I think I have always tried to be pretty true to myself. I mostly do what I want, with giving myself just a few restrictions. It makes me seem a kinder person. Ha!

I did always want to be a mother. I’m super happy with that party of my life. Even though some days can be really, really hard. I love being a mother so much. My Boys are amazing. I do cry not wanting them to grow older, but I wonder what amazing men they will be one day.

I had a friend from the past message me on Facebook several years ago. He said something like… “You are the only person I know that had done what you said that you were going to when you got older. You always told us that you wanted a family. To have children and be married. But, you still always wanted to have fun. See your friends. Dance, laugh, enjoy life. You did it. I’m so happy to still know you.” I cherish those words. Especially coming from someone who knew me when I was living it to the fullest and partying and working in San Francisco. Party every night, work every day. It was a wild and fun time.

I always try to be a good wife, family member, friend and mentor. People seem to like me, other’s, not so much. It is what it is. Sometimes I wish that I knew why those others didn’t like me sometimes, or why they were cold and distant. It’s that honesty thing again I suppose. Not everone has it. Some people treat it like a game.

The only thing I really struggle with is wanting to be honest and true to myself all of the time. A lot of people are so, so very defensive when you are honest with them. I always explain it as… having to walk on egg shells. It sucks actually. I feel like it makes me hold back. Makes me not always have a smile on my face. Makes me not communicate like I want to and like I would like to. I do it just to avoid conflict, when I feel in my heart that I shouldn’t have to ever try to avoid anything. To me it isn’t negative, or trying to create conflict, it is just honest communication. To others, I am mean, one-sided, bossy, blah, blah, blah.

When did honesty turn into something negative? I know when. When the other person turns it into something negative, that’s when.

Anyway, I’m happy 95% of the time. I think that is pretty damn good. I try not to let the world and others dictate how I live my life, how I feel, what I say or how I think. The other 5% I give in, mostly because I care too damn much. 🙂

xo

 

 

SafeSound Personal Alarm Thoughts?

teardrop_backpack_cut.jpgSource: SafeSound Personal Alarm

What does everyone think about these?

I was texting with a friend the other day about all of the crap that has been going on in Santa Cruz County. Burglaries, missing people, gang violence, heroin addicts along the river, tweakers walking into your home, car and business trailer thefts, delivery box robberies off of your porch, murders and the list goes on and on.

Anyway, she mentioned to me that she is now going to the gym pretty early in the morning and having to walk to and from her car in a parking garage. There aren’t always people around to help if there was a need, so she was going to go and get a pepper spray. I told her I thought it was a good idea and I know that Big 5 sold them.

I spotted this, this morning. It looks pretty great. Easy to use. I wouldn’t put it on my purse, or backpack I don’t think though. Just because, a lot of the time, that is what the asshole will go for first. Maybe carry it in your hand, or on your keys? Maybe on the zipper on your jacket? Maybe have several in different places?

I also think this would be great for kids, boys and girls. Adults as well. All humans. Safety is pretty key in our world, unfortunately.

Getting assaulted is nothing new. It has gone on since the beginning of human kind. Why not be safer in any way you can. You have nothing to lose. I may have to put these in everyone’s stockings for Christmas this year. Not a bad idea at all.

What do you think? Would love your opinion… 🙂

xo

Photos Are Our History

Good morning!☀️🌞😃 

This is such a true statement. I’ve talked to people that have burned, thrown away or tore up old photos. I don’t believe in that. I think that photos are your history. With good memories, or bad. They are still your history and something that should be cherished.

I wish that I had more photos of myself when I was young. I have one of myself with my father. I have another of myself with my Mother. Another of my Grandmother, myself and my Cousin Keith. A couple of myself while very young alone while enjoying summer vacation. A couple teenage ones. Now, a lot as an adult. 

I take tons of photos of my children. They hold so many memories for me. One day when they look at them, I hope they will hold wonderful memories for them and show them their history.

That brings me to another subject. Don’t forget to save and also print out the photos on your phones. I think thousands, even millions, of photos are getting lost each day, because we dont download them and print them out. What a waste. Take some time and do it. You will be happy you did. 🙂

xoxo 

Exhausted Mother and it’s only 7:47 a.m.

Waking up my chilthe_secretdren is the least of my concerns in the morning. Wanting them to leave with a smile on their face is a whole different concern in itself. Maybe I shouldn’t say concern. Maybe it is more like a need that I have?

We all worry about our children’s happiness. Well, I hope as hell you do! I do. Every single moment that I look at them, I want a sign that they are happy. It’s in me and I can’t help myself.

When I hear negative words out of their mouthes, no matter the subject matter, see a sad face, eyes watering up, I worry. Plain and simple, it affects me.

Last night I downloaded an app that allows me to “pause” my children’s phones. It simply makes it so that they can only make, or receive, a phone call. All of the rest is paused, until I un-pause it.

After putting it on my oldest Sons phone, apparently it moved some of his apps all around and jumbled it a bit. He freaked out.

A little background on my oldest son. He is the sweetest kid you will ever meet. He is loving, sensitive, honest to a fault, highly intelligent, if you are a friend of his he super committed to that friendship. I could go on and on. Not because he is my Son, but because I like to see the beauty in everyone and I just think that he is just an all around amazing person. Period.

He is also happy, sad, outgoing, introverted, smart, skeptical, trusting and untrusting. Just to name a few. When he is in one of those pessimistic moods, all I want to do is hug him. Tell him to smile. Ask him to work on his happiness. Remind him that he is so loved and there is no reason for him to be angry or feel defensive.

He is my one that I tend to worry about the most. The one that I hope that I am not screwing him up in some way. The one that I want to take any pain away that I feel like he has in his heart, and just make it all better for him. I try, but I know deep in my heart that I can not.

He was bullied when he was younger. This already sensitive soul, was bullied verbally, and it has affected him deeply. To a point that now when sometimes you make a suggestion of something, point something out, ask him to change something, he is super defensive. To the point, that if you ask him to not wear his beanie to school today, he feels like I am picking on him. Even though, I point out that he is super gorgeous, because he is, and that I just thought that not wearing his beanie today, because it is going to be 83 degrees, would be a better idea.

I’m coming to find out, that I just need to let him be. Let him be who he is. Let him wear what he wants. To be his own person. Which, I think I have been pretty good about, but I am still his Mother and always want what I think is best. Even though, it isn’t what HE thinks is best. I am truly finding that balance.

Back to last night and the app that I installed on mine and their phones to “pause” them. When I gave him his phone back, and it looked a bit disheveled, he lost it. He cried, explained why he was upset and I felt terrible. He felt betrayed. He felt untrusted. He felt like one of his lifelines (his phone that he reads on every single day) was now not going to be the same. It broke my heart to hear his words and see how upset he was with me. When is Brother told him, “it’s just a phone”, he went into how lonely he is and how his social life is not like his (as in his Brother that he was talking too), that his life is through reading and the stories that he enjoys so much. It made me so sad, but it made total sense. Especially since I know that he is still hurting from losing his best friend a bit over a year ago. She was having her own personal issues and just cut their friendship off all at once and he still hasn’t recovered. He hurt him to his core.

I called him into the privacy of my room for us to chat. Explained what I was doing. That I wasn’t invading his privacy, that I trusted him with all of my being, that this was to simply pause them, when and if we needed too. Frankly, because there are times when I wish their computers and phones were gone. I feel like they are too highly used and an expansion of their lives. Too relied on. I also explained to him that I never meant to hurt his feelings, to make him feel like I would be betraying his privacy, that I trusted him and I never meant for him to lose any of his reading, or music, that I know he feels like are a lifeline and stress reliever for him.

Once we talked and looked over his phone, everything seemed to be there. I hope that he went to bed knowing that everything would be okay and that I loved him. I really did feel awful. Being a Mother is hard sometimes. Really hard other times and amazing the rest of the time.

This morning, after he thought money was missing from his wallet, because he thought I had given him $20 last week and the change wasn’t there this morning. I reminded him, that I had only given him a 5 or a 10 dollar bill and not a 20. That would explain why there was less in his wallet then he was thinking. Well, before I told him that, he had already gone down the wrong path. This is a good example of the hardship that he puts on his brain and his soul. He is now upset, clearly. The whole house can feel it. I put my hands on his shoulders and asked him to do something for me. Not only for me, but for himself. To go on a mission. A mission to only laugh, smile, think good thoughts, admire others, make positive comments, to make a change. To feel good. They say a change takes 3 months, right? That it is scientifically proven. Well, I told him that. I told him to see what happens when he does it, how he can watch his life change before him. He grunted. He’s 16. I’m a Mom that tries too hard. Ha! Well, at least I try. I try only out of love.

On our way to school I told him a little about myself when I was young. I told him that when I was somewhere between the ages of 8 and 10, I did ‘t like what I was seeing all around me. Arguing, infidelity, drug addicts, lying, fighting, all within my home with my parents and brothers. I didn’t want to be like that. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to have positive things in my life. I wanted to laugh, smile, hug, have fun and bring happiness to my life. I told him that I work hard at it every single day. It isn’t always easy, but there is no reason that I can’t keep trying and doing it for myself. It is what he need, or else we will down in all the crap. That I strive to be happy every day and I know that he can do it too.

What it all comes down to, is keeping my children safe, hoping that I can help them always be happy and helping them in anyway that I can. I would do anything for them. It doesn’t change the fact that I get sad too. I get sad when I feel like they are sad, or lonely. I feel it all.

My children are the loves of my life. 🙂

xoxo

P.S. Thoughts and comments would be appreciated here at the WordPress site, rather than on Facebook, or Google+.  Thank you!

One Lonely Mommy

 

I think I just need to get right to it.

I cried to 3 of my Boys the day before yesterday. I was a mess.  Don’t get me wrong, I was super happy waking up, even after dropping off my 3rd Son for his 8th grade trip, whom I am missing immensely.

I woke up and was ready for a great day. A friend of mine shot me a message asking if we wanted to go over to the Boardwalk for a while then over to the swim center for some free swim time.  Sounded great to me!

I went into the office to run the plan by my 3 Boys that are home for Spring Break. None of them budged from in front of their computers.  They all said, “No thank you Mom.”

You know what? I went upstairs and cried. Then I came back downstairs and told them all why. I told them that i am sad and my heart hurts, because I feel like they don’t like to spend time with me.  Ever. That I always have to be the bad guy and pressure them to do, anything.  I mean anything.  A movie, a hike, camping, go out to eat. You name it.

You know what people? There are days that I feel so lonely and I live in a house with 6 other people. The majority of them sit on their computers all day.  In that damn office, all 5 of them, and I won’t see anyone for hours. I don’t get asked what I’m up too. I don’t get asked anything. Some days no one will even come and talk to me.  The only time I get any communication is when I ask if someone wants something to eat, ask if they want to do something, or go somewhere, or if I go into the office and speak to them. That sucks!  That’s lonely.

This isn’t a poor-me post. This is real. My feelings are real. My life is real. I miss my kids. All. The. Time. They can stay away from me when they are in college, or get wives of their own, dammit! I love my kids and want to do all kinds of fun things with them. It freaks me out when my family doesn’t want to spend time with me. Not even an hour of hiking, or going to the damn grocery store.  Come on!

Is it so much to want to feel like I am loved, needed, wanted and fun to be around? Is it so awful to want someone to make the plans with me for a change? I’m not talking about my friends. I mean my family, especially the ones that live in my house. I crave family time. Crave it terribly. So terribly that I broke down this week. Damnit.

I feel like it shouldn’t even be a thought in my head to feel like this. I do my best at all time, to spend time with my Husband and children. All the time. It feels like shit to get turned down.  Constantly.

Okay, I’m done. It doesn’t change the way I feel though.  It doesn’t change how lonely I feel a lot of the time in my own home. 

xo

 

Dear Penny…

Dear Penny,

I was so looking forward to seeing you at the girls-trip that we discussed. Seeing that smile you always had on your face, with that little twinkle in your eye of humor that I always noticed. Hanging out with you and a drink in our hands.

Andrew always said that we were too much alike, irreverent in our own special and silly way. You would probably be pissed if this was you having to write to me, because things were cut so short and unexpected. That maybe we would have found out that we were so much alike. Sisters at heart, in laughter and spirit.

I’m just so thankful to that damn Facebook, for bringing those that we love close to us, but live so far. So thankful that I was able to chat with you, share photos, sorrows, and happy times.

I do have to admit though, I am pissed off, so very pissed that you are gone. Not here for us to enjoy you every day any more. Enjoy your posts of your super fun crossdressing friends, the bands that you love, expressions of your beloved mother, and how much you love my brother-in-law, Tad. I am going to miss that more than you know. Oh and don’t forget your kitties too! I love them as well and how crazy you are for them.

Even though I never got to hug you in person, I feel like I have a dozen times over. Your personality and spirit just poured into my life each and every day. Again, I am thankful for the internet and your bursting spirit.

I always felt like we were friends that have shared a bottle of wine, then a couple of cosmos. Together sitting and chatting all night long about all of the crazy things that we have done in our lives. Comparing, laughing and making plans for more. Wanting to introduce each other to the others’ wonderful and crazy friends. Always expecting more crazy and amazing times.

Penny, I already miss you, in my heart and in my soul. I doesn’t matter that I’ve not laughed with you face-to-face, or hugged you in person, I love you. I love you as my family. I will miss you and mourn you with my heart and soul.

One day I will get to have that cocktail with you. We may be different souls with different bodies, hell, it may be in a dream, but we will be there, together. I will hug you tight and see that beautiful light in your eyes. Yes, I will.

All of my love, your Sister-In-Law,

Kathleen. xo

11/22/15

Movies that make you go hmmm…

 I love a movie that just gets your thoughts flowing… What would it be like to hike the PCT? Am I out of control in my life? Would my Boys be sad if I died? Why haven’t I bought a new pair of hiking books, I love to hike? Am I wasting my life? What is my full potential? I wonder if I make my family happy? Does Andrew still love me the way he used to? Am I boring? Am I disgusting? Am I happy? I’m so happy the weather is cool today. I’m happy I got those counters decluttering in the kitchen today. I don’t want to die. What time is it? I miss camping. I wonder how much the train is to Oregon? I wonder if I make Andrew happy? Don’t forget to ask Dad if he can pick Devin up today. Maybe I should look into posting those bikes on Craigslist. I could totally hike for miles in my Tevas. I wonder what kinds of essentials I would need for a long backpacking trip? I need to book us a trip to the Treesort. I wonder which train station is closest to the Treesort? I wonder if Andrew would be up for a train ride? I wonder if Andrew can get some time off work? I haven’t ridden my bike for a while, maybe I’ll take it over to Perfectly Pressed tomorrow. I need to start riding that hill more often to get stamina. One day it will get easier, right? Why am I so hungry today? I wonder how many points that juice was I drank this morning? I wonder how many points beets juiced are? What the hell is with all of these “national” days? I wonder who decides and creates these “national” days? They’re kind of dumb, are people that bored? I would never do heroine. Why are my eyes bothering me so much?

My crazy thoughts for an afternoon. I must say though, that movies as these get your juices flowing. I like that. 😀

xo