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Some Days It’s Just All Too Much For Me

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Celebrating 84 Years!

Some days it’s just all too much for me. Today was one of those days, although, I didn’t know it until it literally choked me out.

I was driving in my car on my way to work this morning. I turned up a song on the radio that I love, and started to sing along. That always usually helps me feel happier. As soon as I started singing, I went into what felt like an asthma attack. I usually only get them when extremely upset, or when I am overexerted in the cold. Anyway, there I was trying to sing and I couldn’t and then the tears started. It startled me so much I was talking to myself… “what the fuck, Kathleen?!”

I had been up late last night trying to help my second son with a dental issue. All along listening to him argue with me over text. I hate texting. It takes so long to have a normal conversation. I ended up staying up past 2 a.m. and doing the legwork for him. This is my very long story made short.

I woke up this morning and called the dental office and they informed me that since he is 18 now, he has to call himself. Back to texting him again to let him know what had transpired and the arguing started on his part again. With me all along trying to be very clear and helpful. Trying to give him instruction and peace of mind of what he exactly needed to do. All by text. Blah.

He made the appointment in the end, but to get there took hours from the night before and this morning combined. A whole lot of back and forth and an apology from him at the end.

As I was texting my second son, I also started texting my third son that is having another issue. I was trying to guide him after he sent me a very lengthy text. I called his Case Worker in the Dean’s office of the college and left her a voicemail with a follow-up email. Another very long story I am making short. She contacted him immediately, but he didn’t answer the call. Proceeded to argue with me, again one sided, with me trying to be very clear about what he needed to do. In the end, he also had an appointment with her this afternoon.

I guess just everything I have been going through as of late, just buckled inside of me out of the blue. I try to stay calm. I try to keep my head clear. I have so many people asking for my help or needing it. I do the best I can, but I’m not cut out for the back and forth over text. I’m not cut out for the argument and trying to extinguish it to get the best result over text. It is exhausting. Completely and totally exhausting. I guess my body was telling me that this morning and I couldn’t shake it for hours. A damn phone call is so much easier I think.

I am so thankful that I have had 4 people in my life that have been there for me each and every day during everything that has been coming up in my life. I don’t know what I would have done without these amazing women. They have been my rocks. My sounding boards.

At some moments I have even had more support. I am thankful for all of it. I appreciate any little moment that someone is willing to reach out and ask me about my day. Some days it is exactly what has helped me get though that moment.

Today was hard. This evening I am exhausted. My brain is friend.

I was able to come home and cook a very nice 84th Birthday dinner for my Father and we also had a nice little cake. It brought a smile to my face. To all of our faces. Especially FaceTiming my three oldest and watching my Father take to them. I think that made his day. There was a lot of love being felt during those moments. I love that.

Off I go to sink into my bed, quiet my phone and try to sleep. Hopefully, no urgent text messages wake me up tonight. My soul needs a rest. I think I have done my part for the day.

Good night. xoxo

Three off to College and I’m a Disaster

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August 18, 2019

At least my tears weren’t streaming down my face today like the past several days. It has been a whirlwind of a week, that’s for sure. I’ve been a disaster.

Dropping one child at college is hard enough. Man, last year was a doozy. This year almost seemed to kill me. With three of them leaving at the same time. What the hell! Yes, I am proud. Yes, one went a year early, but holy hell, that doesn’t make it any easier for this Momma.

I’m super freaked out about my 16-year-old going to big university so young. It has always been his path, shit he looks 20, but he sure as hell doesn’t have the maturity. He is 16 and it shows! He tries to pretend he is older. Didn’t we all at that age? I just worry like hell about him. About his emotional state especially. He is so hard on himself, has some super down days. I’m not there to help during those times now. I am just so thankful that he has two older Brothers there that he can reach out too. I’m just hoping that he will if he ever needs too. I’m hoping they all three reach out to each other when they need it the most. That’s what scares me the most. Teenagers, humans really, don’t always reach out. I usually know, because I hover I guess you could say. That hovering keeps my children safe and alive though, I can tell you that much.

After I left my two oldest at the university on Tuesday, I cried the whole way home. Hard, soaking wet face, snotty nose, crying. Boy can I make tears! My two youngest sons where in the car trying to sleep and clueless I was a freaking mess. I was so exhausted when I got home, and then I couldn’t sleep, which isn’t like me at all. I was just freaked out. I felt like I was dropping my children off at the Fire Station and I wasn’t going to see them again. Knowing they are only less than two hours away just hadn’t kicked in yet.

I was quietly jumping for joy when my third son told me that he wanted to come home after we moved all of their stuff in that Tuesday. He wanted to spend more time with his girlfriend before classes started. I was just happy to have him home for a few more days. Really loved that, even though he is at that age where he isn’t conversing with me much. I’ll take what I can get. No doubt!

When you have half of your family gone all of a sudden, it is the strangest thing in the world. It feels eerily dim. Empty. Makes me feel like I want to puke when I think about it. I thank goodness for the phone, text, FaceTime and FindFriends. A true savior I tell you. I’m thankful that they respond, well, most of the time. I just have to be patient. Also, the dinner table seems empty.

The worst is not being there right when they need you. My second Son ended up getting severely dehydrated and ended up in the Hospital. I spent my morning from 6:00 a.m. on Friday finding out what time the SHS (Student Health Services) opened. Screen-shotted a map of campus and drew an arrow where he needed to go ASAP. Got his older brother up to help him, which took a few tries since he had been out late. I’m again, just so thankful that they have each other there. My oldest met up with him and got him to the SHS. They immediately put him on an IV bag of fluids and started running labs. I secured backup at work, just incase I needed to immediately leave and head to them. Three hours later the doctor was calling me to tell me that he needed to get to the ER. She called ahead and had them prepare for his arrival at the Children’s ER. They Ubered over to the hospital and they took great care of them. My oldest was giving me a play-by-play the whole time. I was able to make it there that evening. Hugged my second son, then went to drop my first and third sons back at their dorms.

On the way back to the hospital I was in full mom-mode. Ready to love on this kid and do all that I could to get him better and out of the hospital. I brought snacks, my favorite Rumple blanket and plenty of water. I was prepared to stay as long as needed.

One of the best things about he and I being at the hospital together, was how much we talked. I took puzzle books, and books for us to read, and we never got to them. We just talked to each other. Talked to the wonderful his wonderful nurse, Nurse Fred, and to the two doctors that came into see us. They were so great and wanted to have conversations with Devin. The experience was very positive, even during a very scary time.

As we went to sleep in the hospital that night, all I kept envisioning was him walking out of there the next day. Getting him healthy. Getting him back to school and him starting his classes on Monday. Of course every time I heard a beep in his room that night, I shot straight up to stare at him and make sure he was okay. My sweet baby. He may be almost 18, but he is still one of my babies.

Saturday afternoon was a great one when we were able to check out of the hospital and head back to the university. The doctors were so happy to give him the, all-clear. I still felt much trepidation leaving there, but it was time and I couldn’t have been more thankful that he was able to do so.

Back at the dorm with all three of my oldest kiddos is always exciting and surreal. Meals together at the dining hall, shopping for little things they need for their dorm… snacks and drinks and Mom organizing their rooms for them. That always makes me so happy. I actually really love being there with them. If I lived closer I would probably torture them with much more often visits. Ha!

I slept on the floor that night of my two middle boys’ dorm. I was offered a bed, but declined. I had brought my own camping pad and was fine sleeping on that. I just needed them to get a good nights sleep in their beds that I made for them. Comfortable and familiar. It’s important to me.

Sunday morning we all got up and ready for breakfast. My oldest is in a different dorm than my middle two that share a room. We met up and went to the dining hall together. Checking out all of the food options, pursuing the meal stations together. Talking over breakfast. Some things serious and others laughing and enjoying each others company.

My third son and I made a quick trip after breakfast to grab two things he needed at the drug story. We headed back to the dorm and we all reconvene. A bit later they helped me with my things to the car. I loved on them, took some photos and found myself holding my breathe each time I felt like I was going to start sobbing. I went through the Starbucks drive through in full tears (thank you Kim and JJ) to treat myself to a chai.  I headed home a total wreck. Again.

I know no one really wants to hear all of the basic details of my week, but it feels good to put some of it down in writing. Believe it, or not, it was a hard fucking week for me. It’s also been a hard fucking month, a hard fucking Summer and an even harder fucking past two years. I am a survivor though. I may have days that I wallow, cry, freak the hell out, but that is me. I can also say that on the flip-side I am constantly trying to be happy, positive, plan fun things for our family and live a great life the best I can.

Today is Tuesday and the second day of classes for my college boys. They are settling in and seem invested and excited. I’ll keep stalking them on our family map until I can calm myself the hell down.

So happy I get to see them on Thursday again already for my second sons 18th birthday. I couldn’t be happier. I would drive to the ends of the earth to spend a moment with them. XOXO

 

“Are you okay?”

reaching_outThis morning I was disturbed by my alarm clock during a morning dream. I don’t remember where I was in the dream, or all of the people in it, but I do remember how I felt after waking up and thinking about the dream.

A boyfriend of mine from when I was in my 20’s, Todd, showed up where I was with some of his friends.  I also had people around me, with me. I don’t know who they were and I don’t remember where I was, or what I was doing. I do remember him reaching out to me with a smile and concern on his face. Reaching out for my hand and asking, “are you okay?” He did this more than once throughout the dream. His concern was sincere and reassuring. He kept coming back to find me.

When I woke up and thought about the dream, I felt peaceful, tired, groggy. I also felt reassured. I know that Todd being there wasn’t about him, he was just a figure of calm, happiness and confirmation.  There to remind me of all of the good. Reassuring me that everything is going to be okay, that my stress and feelings are perfectly normal. That life will come back in full happiness swing. This is temporary. Not to forget myself and my smile. To look forward to great things ahead and to be patient. For me to not forget about having fun and getting back to my positive self. To be strong and this too all shall pass.

Thank goodness for that dream. It’s been a rough go the past year. I am looking forward to my day. Trying to stay positive and keep busy with the importance in life. Searching for my smile and finding it will be a pleasure today. xoxo

One Day I Hope You Will Appreciate Me

fullsizeoutput_ff72I know having a house full of teenagers can be trying on a parent. Believe me, I feel it every week. It’s not always one of their moods, actions, or something that they say. Some days it is everything that goes along with being a parent that we do for them.

Today I was talking to three of my Son’s and one of their friends. My three oldest are off to college in ten days. Of course I want to discuss the plan to get them moved into their dorms in 10 days. To get their stuff unloaded, set up, etc. It always kind of sucks when they are like, “why do you need to do that? Why do you need to stay?” Especially after just explaining why. Also, when all you are doing is trying to give them everything they will need when they are away from me for the next school year.

I think that my oldest Son is really the only one that is finally getting how much I do for them each and every day. How much attention to details, schedules and situations that only I deal with. For school, for our household, for our lives. Sometimes I think they have no clue what truly has to get done to get from point A to point B. That things aren’t  just magically that way to begin with.

This past year has brought a whole new set of struggles. Ones that I tackle each day head-on. Trying to stay as positive as I can to work through each situation. Sometimes situations that cannot be put on a back burner. Especially when handling college with 3 children all at one time. It’s been trying, but I forge forward each day with great intentions. Some days I cry, some days I am mad, some days I am full of  positive intentions, some days I am scared as hell, some days I am full of pride, some days I have more frustration than I think I can handle, some days I am smiling, but every day I push forward. Every day I look forward to the next day.

I know that some parents never help their children with their college applications, visits, deadlines, financial aide, schedules, orientations, signing up for classes, applying for dorms, signing up for the health care, sending mandatory inoculation records, getting the final transcripts, setting up meal plans, acquiring every thing for their dorm room, making sure they have a state ID in order to get their college OneCard that they will use for everything on campus, school loans, and many other things… is that enough? It’s a lot and that’s just my college kids at this time.  Throw in high school, grades, graduations, summer school, sports, hormones, ACT/SAT testing, blah blah blah into the mix. Everything is for them.

I know that the teenage years are the hardest. Believe me, I was a teenager once and hard to deal with some days. I just hope that my Mother felt appreciated and loved. I remember she would tell me she loved me and how she felt about me even after those teen years. I feel so thankful. I know how much I appreciated her. Especially during the hard times we went though in our household at that time. I’m glad that I told her I loved her each day and I took care of her and told her that I appreciated her. We took care of each other, even on the last day we were together.

I just hope that one day my children will look back and finally appreciate me for everything that I am doing for them. I hope one day they will finally have an, ah-ha moment. I hope they come to me and say, shit, thank you. Just that simple.

Why is it important, you ask? Well, I really just want to know that I raised my children the best I could and if they come to me that day with appreciation, then I will know I did it right. They may not see it now, but I really hope they will one day, because honestly, it is all for them.

I’ve always wanted to be a mother and I am so very happy each and every day that I am. I cherish each and every day no matter what it brings me. I take it in. I bask in it’s crazy ups and downs. I wake up each day with a smile. I will keep doing that for the rest of my life. In my eyes there is no other way. It’s the life that I have wanted and the way I want to live. I love my family, I love my life.

XOXO

Monday Morning Feels

img_6145-2Believe me, I know we all have crappy thoughts some mornings and I think people do more on Mondays than any other day. Don’t want to get up for work, school, or maybe they just don’t want to face their day. I say… suck it up! Wake up and feel good. Make an effort. That’s what I’m doing today.

Wake up knowing that you are going to make today pretty damn rad! I could lay around all day and be pissed off by all of the obstacles that I have to tackle, or I can tackle the shit out of them and put them behind me. I’ve been in both situations, even though most people look at me and think; hey she is always happy, her life seems pretty easy, blah, blah, blah. Well, think again, my friends! We all have our stuff. Even me.

Today I choose to have an amazing day. No. Matter. What. I hope you do too. 🙂

xo

3 Weeks Today I Left My First Born at College.

It’s been 3 weeks today! Oh man, I’m dying! Hahaha!! Laugh if you will, laugh at me, go ahead. I don’t care. I’m laughing at myself a little bit too. I can’t help it though. I miss him!

I was walking upstairs last night and glanced down the hall to his room. I shouted, “Where’s Alex?!” From the office I hear, “what?” from my husband. I started to laugh and said, “I’m just kidding, but I was hoping that he was just in his room taking a nap.” Oh man did I.

On the other hand, I know he is exactly where he needs to be. He is working hard, starting to feel the stress of his classes, making friends, found the grocery store, took a friend out to sushi, learning the bus system, attended his first football game (that got delayed, then canceled and rescheduled for the next day) and sat in the sweltering metal stands, joined his first club, feels bored from time-to-time and so much more. Yes, he is exactly where he needs to be. I just keep telling myself that.

Each day I expect to see him come downstairs to take his shower. Come into the kitchen with his wet hair and a smile on his face, hug me and tell me good morning. Ask me how I am. Fill up his bowl with Cheerios and warm them up in the oven. Filling the kitchen with scents of oats. Watch him tiptoe to the kitchen table to eat and read his fan fiction sites. I miss those morning. I miss it all.

It’s so odd to be so torn as a parent. Knowing you are doing the right thing and feeling sad in your heart all at once. Remembering that you are doing the right thing, but feeling the sadness of the persons absence. Especially for a person like me that doesn’t usually feel separation anxiety. Ever. I guess there is a first for everything.

Over this past weekend, a long 3-day weekend, he didn’t want to come home. We were on a FaceTime call and I mentioned him coming home. I could tell he didn’t want to say that he didn’t want to by the look on his face. Also, that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He is so sweet that way. I let it go and said we could chat about it again another time and to just think about it, knowing that I knew didn’t want to come home yet.  I talked myself though it in my head… ‘Okay, he is happy, having fun, him not wanting not come home is a good thing. Right? Right! Keep remembering that, Kathleen.’ That went on for a long time. Over several days. Hahaha!! Yes, several days.

Guess what I am doing tomorrow? Going to see him!! Damn straight! When we spoke last night I told him that I was coming for a visit. That I missed him and that I couldn’t stand it any more! Hahaha!! He looked happy. (He also told me that his friend Zoei was dying to meet me. That’s pretty cool!) When I told him I was bringing my camping pad to sleep on his dorm floor, he kind of snickered and didn’t now what to say or how to react. Hahaha!! I left it in his court to come up with one. Told him that I would call him today. What he doesn’t know is that I have already looked at AirBNB for places to stay in town. Hahaha!! I just want to see if he can come up with a plan, because he knows that I WILL sleep on his floor. If you know me, you know I am super good at flying by at the seat of my pants, but always have some type of plans in my head just in case.

I must say, with the sadness of missing my Son, the proud and happy feelings of him happy supersedes the sadness by far.  🙂

xoxo

Parents & Teenagers & Unspoken Words

I worry. I worry consistently about my children. I know they don’t share everything with me. Probably not even half if I am guessing. I find it so strange, then I look back to confiding in my Mother. I guess for some, it just doesn’t happen. Even if we think we are close to them and we know it all, we don’t. We never will and this terrifies me.

I want to be there for them when they are sad, feeling broken, happy, maybe they have met someone new. It doesn’t always happen. I feel like I am pulling teeth and they are giving me a painful look when I ask them about their day, their friends, their relationships, anything. I feel hurt. Maybe I’m selfish? Selfish with wanting them to be happy 29 out of 30 days a month. I want to see them smile. I want to know they are okay.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe I have a strong relationship with all of my children. I know that they love me. They tell me they love me daily. Kiss me good-bye and good night evey day. I take great care of them in all of the “Motherly” ways. I just know there is more to it than that. More going on with them, than what they give me willingly.

I go to bed terrified at night when I haven’t seen one of them smile all day, or even make an effort to talk to me. I can’t stand the distance. Especially when I know something is wrong. I can see it in their eyes, their body stance, the way they hold their mouth. I have a right to feel terrified. I am their Mother and I feel noting but love for them and want to keep them safe in any way that I can.

Some humans don’t discuss what is on their mind, because they don’t want to feel like they are overly talking about themselves, being self-absorbed, complaining, or whining. Sometimes we do it because we don’t want someone to feel sorry for us, feel like we are a burden, or weak. I’m sure I could list a hundred more reasons why we don’t talk to others about our feelings, our thoughts, or what has happened recently in our lives that has made us feel off. Sad. Alone. Even miserable. We’ve all done it. What we forget is, we are not alone. There is always someone who will just listen. The problem is, we are afraid.  Don’t want to seem incapable of handling our emotions. Frankly, it sucks!

We need to talk, we need to express ourselves, we need to vent, we need to cry, we need to wallow, we need to work it out. If we don’t, then it sits in a deep pit. A dangerous pit that the only way out is to climb out of that damn pit yourself, or let someone help you. To grab onto their hand and let them pull you out.

Today I am in worry mode. I have been for several months now. We moved to a new State. It’s been 9 months. I don’t feel in my heart that anyone has really adjusted well. Especially my 4 teenagers. They miss their friends. They miss the ease of our old neighborhood. They miss their daily routine. I bet they even feel like life has been stagnate here, like not much has moved forward.

Sometimes in life you do things for your family, because you think it is the right thing for you all as a whole. California housing prices were sucking us in. Living to just pay for the house you are living in and the bills to keep that house alive, are just not a way to live. Children don’t know that though. They see a well-oiled machine and then their parents just threw a wrench into the engine and broke it.

I never realized it would take this long for them to adjust. To feel happy again. With social media today, I thought that it would be easier for them to keep in touch with their friends. Unfortunately, I believe it has been just as much as a hinderance. Especially with how things are today.

Social media started out as a way to keep in touch. Connect with friends and family and sometimes make new friends. Today it seems that it breaks more relationships than it keeps alive. Especially for our children. Posts and words are taken negatively, texts are misconstrued. Someone is always feeling defensive. People that are being honest are taken as liars. The liars are getting away with causing so much pain and the honest ones are the one’s suffering. Some suffering more than others. It truly breaks my heart.

I remember when we communicated a lot over email. Even our emails started to get taken the wrong way. We all know that 5 people can read the same email and if asked about that email, we would get 5 different interpretations. Imagine that with the short simple texts. It can be hell, I’m sure. It always seems when something is read these days it is deciphered depending on the readers current mood. It’s interesting and detrimental all at the same time. Especially with our teenagers. It scares the hell out of me.

It all dwindles down to the way we communicate with each other. I’m for sure a talker. I want to talk about everything. Know everything. I love honesty and truth. I love having a conversation of the heart. I always ask a lot of questions. I love to learn. I love having a conversation about the weather. I love having a conversation about the color of the dirt. I love hearing about your day. I love hearing about your successes for the day. I love hearing about the argument you had with your friend. I love hearing about what your plans are for the weekend. I love hearing about how your girlfriend pissed you off. I love hearing about how dumb you thought that kid was in your class today. I love hearing about what scares you. I love hearing about what made you angry today. I love hearing about your job. I love hearing about your dreams. I love hearing about it all and I just want to talk to my kids and Husband all day long.

I want them to need me. I want them to want to spend time with me. I want them to know how much I care about them. How much I want to listen to them when they are hurting. I am always here. Unfortunately, it doesn’t happen. Then I am back here hoping, wanting, poking, prodding and begging them to let me in.

I am their Mother, so I know they don’t want to tell me everything, but I would hope that they would let me in a little. Show me the honesty and sharing that I have taught them. Come to me when they are happy and when they are also feeling down. Let me help them. Give me a chance to tell them that there is always another wonderful road to explore, even though sometimes we take a wrong turn.

The unspoken words are the ones that worry me. No, they truly scare the hell out of me. xoxo