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Not Even 30

Yesterday came and went

It would have been your Birthday

Your 30th

A day to celebrate

Celebrate your wonder

Your Smile

How cherished you are

Not a day for tears

To ‘cheers’ without you

Without hearing you laugh

And without seeing that contagious smirk

We still toast you though

Your loving memory

A memory of a life lost

Forever lost

Lost

I wish I knew that you were lost

I wish I knew your pain

I wish I knew when you were scared

Or mad

Or over it all

I wish I knew it all

Now I just feel sadness

Shocked is the only way to describe

Loss

Lost

Full of a bucket of tears that keeps refilling itself

With no end

No end

I love you

My sweet little Brother

I love you.

xoxo

To homeschool, or to not homeschool, that is the question.

My 15-year-old Son has asked me to homeschool him since he was 3. Then, it was simply because he wanted to be home with his Momma. Today it is for different reasons. Very real reasons.

As it sit here reading about, public on-line school, homeschooling and virtual flex on-line schooling, I realize there is so much to learn and so many questions to ask. It’s so hard! Ug. It can be very expensive too.

Public on-line school is pretty much the same as your brick and mortar school. Just doing it from home. You have all of the wonderful conveniences of the teachers there when you need them. It is free. Books and materials area free. You work on the same school schedule as the rest of your local district.

Homeschool is a combination of what you make it. You do most of the work with your child. You set up the classes. You help with class work. You can set up on-line classes, college classes, out of the home classes, etc. You set it all up and make the plan.

Virtual flex on-line school you can start at any time, you have teachers that can help you, depending on the program you choose to go with. You set the pace with your child. The school has all of the curriculum set for you. You pay them for this service, which can be very expensive. Up to almost 7k a year. As low as $400 per semester.

I am finally caving in with my Son and am going to make a decision this week about what he will be doing for his next semester of his Sophomore year. Allow him to be schooling from him. Researching internships for him, setting up some college courses. Sounds like more work for me, doesn’t it? It is. I will do it, because I want to see him happy. That smile is worth so much.

My concerns. He has high expectations and wants to attend a particular college in the futuer. I don’t want to jeopardize his future by me not knowing which school is best for him. It is scary to hold someone elses future in your hands. I want to make the right decision for him. All of the what-ifs go through my mind.

Brick and mortar school is safe, as is the on-line public school. I get a little scared with the homeschooling solely, or one of the flex on-line schools. I have been calling and asking a ton of questions regarding progression of courses, AP and Honor courses and if he was to apply to Oxford would they look at their school as an accredited facility.

This morning my head is spinning, yet again. I’m not showered and my scalp really needs to be washed. Hahaha!! It is after 10:00 a.m. and I am still sitting here in my glasses and robe. Waiting for a call back from one of the schools that we are interested in. Waiting is the hardest part. I can imagine how Pierce has been feeling waiting 12 years. Hahaha!!

Onward with my research and phone calls. 🙂

xo

Who you were before…

fullsizeoutput_c6c8What a great question this poses. “Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?” Can you? I can.

I think I have always tried to be pretty true to myself. I mostly do what I want, with giving myself just a few restrictions. It makes me seem a kinder person. Ha!

I did always want to be a mother. I’m super happy with that party of my life. Even though some days can be really, really hard. I love being a mother so much. My Boys are amazing. I do cry not wanting them to grow older, but I wonder what amazing men they will be one day.

I had a friend from the past message me on Facebook several years ago. He said something like… “You are the only person I know that had done what you said that you were going to when you got older. You always told us that you wanted a family. To have children and be married. But, you still always wanted to have fun. See your friends. Dance, laugh, enjoy life. You did it. I’m so happy to still know you.” I cherish those words. Especially coming from someone who knew me when I was living it to the fullest and partying and working in San Francisco. Party every night, work every day. It was a wild and fun time.

I always try to be a good wife, family member, friend and mentor. People seem to like me, other’s, not so much. It is what it is. Sometimes I wish that I knew why those others didn’t like me sometimes, or why they were cold and distant. It’s that honesty thing again I suppose. Not everone has it. Some people treat it like a game.

The only thing I really struggle with is wanting to be honest and true to myself all of the time. A lot of people are so, so very defensive when you are honest with them. I always explain it as… having to walk on egg shells. It sucks actually. I feel like it makes me hold back. Makes me not always have a smile on my face. Makes me not communicate like I want to and like I would like to. I do it just to avoid conflict, when I feel in my heart that I shouldn’t have to ever try to avoid anything. To me it isn’t negative, or trying to create conflict, it is just honest communication. To others, I am mean, one-sided, bossy, blah, blah, blah.

When did honesty turn into something negative? I know when. When the other person turns it into something negative, that’s when.

Anyway, I’m happy 95% of the time. I think that is pretty damn good. I try not to let the world and others dictate how I live my life, how I feel, what I say or how I think. The other 5% I give in, mostly because I care too damn much. 🙂

xo

 

 

Now Home… New Hikes

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​Today I went on my first hike in our new home area. It was amazing!

We did just under 5 miles at the William B. Umstead State Park. We walked the Loblolly trail. Isn’t that a funny name? Ha!

Anyway. My new friend, Sharon, and I met up with two gals (sisters) from a local hiking MeetUp group. The 4 of us had a great time. Hiking. Chatting. Enjoying the gorgeous morning.

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After our hike we enjoyed a burger and beer lunch. Hung out and chatted. It was so nice to get out with some girls and just hang out.

I look forward to doing it again soon! 🤓

❌⭕️

SafeSound Personal Alarm Thoughts?

teardrop_backpack_cut.jpgSource: SafeSound Personal Alarm

What does everyone think about these?

I was texting with a friend the other day about all of the crap that has been going on in Santa Cruz County. Burglaries, missing people, gang violence, heroin addicts along the river, tweakers walking into your home, car and business trailer thefts, delivery box robberies off of your porch, murders and the list goes on and on.

Anyway, she mentioned to me that she is now going to the gym pretty early in the morning and having to walk to and from her car in a parking garage. There aren’t always people around to help if there was a need, so she was going to go and get a pepper spray. I told her I thought it was a good idea and I know that Big 5 sold them.

I spotted this, this morning. It looks pretty great. Easy to use. I wouldn’t put it on my purse, or backpack I don’t think though. Just because, a lot of the time, that is what the asshole will go for first. Maybe carry it in your hand, or on your keys? Maybe on the zipper on your jacket? Maybe have several in different places?

I also think this would be great for kids, boys and girls. Adults as well. All humans. Safety is pretty key in our world, unfortunately.

Getting assaulted is nothing new. It has gone on since the beginning of human kind. Why not be safer in any way you can. You have nothing to lose. I may have to put these in everyone’s stockings for Christmas this year. Not a bad idea at all.

What do you think? Would love your opinion… 🙂

xo

Raising Husbands & Fathers

I don’t know whose photo this is, but I hope they don’t mind me using it.15032168_255671434847402_4705620029773180601_n.jpg

I love this photo. I’m always worrying about who my children are and what types of adults they will be. I want them to be kind, strong, stable and loving towards their own family one day. To support and defend their family. All I can do is my best.

I love my 4 Boys and know that some days I really feel like I am screwing them up. I hope that isn’t the truth. I know I can be hard on myself and them as well some days. I can only hope that I have instilled something amazing in them. Something wonderful that others will see, so that people gravitate towards them and they are surround with love, always.  🙂

xoxo

52 Hike Challenge – Hike 1

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Good morning!

A few weeks back I broke my toe and metatarsal during the night, as I was going back to bed from the restroom. Lovely! Anyway, it is pretty much healed now. A few discomforts , but nothing to really complain about.img_5162

I decided once my foot was feeling better I would join the 52 Hike Challenge on this past Monday. Well, I did it! I joined on Monday. Educated myself on the challenge and am going for it. I had been wanting to do it for months and am so glad that I finally did!

First off, I love to hike. I don’t get out enough and this is just the little extra push that I need.

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My favorite photo of the day. Looking up at the big, big trees.

I don’t get out as much as I like, because I have a busy family life. No complaints here though, I wouldn’t change a thing. I just need to fit in more time for me, which can be hard certain days. I am fortunate to live in an area where I can find a great hiking spot rather easily at the last minute.  Woot!img_5168

Tuesday was the first day I had a hike planned. I was thinking a 6 miler up at the Land of Medicine Buddha. I have a favorite hike there that I haven’t done in quite a long while. Well, bam, I am gifted with watching my Great Niece for the rest of the week. No worries! I’ll just take her with me for our first hike together. So, that’s what we did.

It’s fun and challenging hiking with a 2-year-old. Challenging, because they are very slow and rarely do you get to do more than a mile if they are walking on their own. Fun, because they are so fun to teach about the woods and see the wonder through their eyes.

It was a GREAT morning hiking with her and nostalgic. I use to take her older sisters hiking with me when they were little. I can’t wait for the 4 of us to all hike together. What a wonderful day that will be!

I’m just so excited that I got my first hike in, even though, only just over a mile, I got it done. It was a gorgeous day and exactly what Madison and I both needed.  🙂

xo