Archives

Parents & Teenagers & Unspoken Words

I worry. I worry consistently about my children. I know they don’t share everything with me. Probably not even half if I am guessing. I find it so strange, then I look back to confiding in my Mother. I guess for some, it just doesn’t happen. Even if we think we are close to them and we know it all, we don’t. We never will and this terrifies me.

I want to be there for them when they are sad, feeling broken, happy, maybe they have met someone new. It doesn’t always happen. I feel like I am pulling teeth and they are giving me a painful look when I ask them about their day, their friends, their relationships, anything. I feel hurt. Maybe I’m selfish? Selfish with wanting them to be happy 29 out of 30 days a month. I want to see them smile. I want to know they are okay.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe I have a strong relationship with all of my children. I know that they love me. They tell me they love me daily. Kiss me good-bye and good night evey day. I take great care of them in all of the “Motherly” ways. I just know there is more to it than that. More going on with them, than what they give me willingly.

I go to bed terrified at night when I haven’t seen one of them smile all day, or even make an effort to talk to me. I can’t stand the distance. Especially when I know something is wrong. I can see it in their eyes, their body stance, the way they hold their mouth. I have a right to feel terrified. I am their Mother and I feel noting but love for them and want to keep them safe in any way that I can.

Some humans don’t discuss what is on their mind, because they don’t want to feel like they are overly talking about themselves, being self-absorbed, complaining, or whining. Sometimes we do it because we don’t want someone to feel sorry for us, feel like we are a burden, or weak. I’m sure I could list a hundred more reasons why we don’t talk to others about our feelings, our thoughts, or what has happened recently in our lives that has made us feel off. Sad. Alone. Even miserable. We’ve all done it. What we forget is, we are not alone. There is always someone who will just listen. The problem is, we are afraid.  Don’t want to seem incapable of handling our emotions. Frankly, it sucks!

We need to talk, we need to express ourselves, we need to vent, we need to cry, we need to wallow, we need to work it out. If we don’t, then it sits in a deep pit. A dangerous pit that the only way out is to climb out of that damn pit yourself, or let someone help you. To grab onto their hand and let them pull you out.

Today I am in worry mode. I have been for several months now. We moved to a new State. It’s been 9 months. I don’t feel in my heart that anyone has really adjusted well. Especially my 4 teenagers. They miss their friends. They miss the ease of our old neighborhood. They miss their daily routine. I bet they even feel like life has been stagnate here, like not much has moved forward.

Sometimes in life you do things for your family, because you think it is the right thing for you all as a whole. California housing prices were sucking us in. Living to just pay for the house you are living in and the bills to keep that house alive, are just not a way to live. Children don’t know that though. They see a well-oiled machine and then their parents just threw a wrench into the engine and broke it.

I never realized it would take this long for them to adjust. To feel happy again. With social media today, I thought that it would be easier for them to keep in touch with their friends. Unfortunately, I believe it has been just as much as a hinderance. Especially with how things are today.

Social media started out as a way to keep in touch. Connect with friends and family and sometimes make new friends. Today it seems that it breaks more relationships than it keeps alive. Especially for our children. Posts and words are taken negatively, texts are misconstrued. Someone is always feeling defensive. People that are being honest are taken as liars. The liars are getting away with causing so much pain and the honest ones are the one’s suffering. Some suffering more than others. It truly breaks my heart.

I remember when we communicated a lot over email. Even our emails started to get taken the wrong way. We all know that 5 people can read the same email and if asked about that email, we would get 5 different interpretations. Imagine that with the short simple texts. It can be hell, I’m sure. It always seems when something is read these days it is deciphered depending on the readers current mood. It’s interesting and detrimental all at the same time. Especially with our teenagers. It scares the hell out of me.

It all dwindles down to the way we communicate with each other. I’m for sure a talker. I want to talk about everything. Know everything. I love honesty and truth. I love having a conversation of the heart. I always ask a lot of questions. I love to learn. I love having a conversation about the weather. I love having a conversation about the color of the dirt. I love hearing about your day. I love hearing about your successes for the day. I love hearing about the argument you had with your friend. I love hearing about what your plans are for the weekend. I love hearing about how your girlfriend pissed you off. I love hearing about how dumb you thought that kid was in your class today. I love hearing about what scares you. I love hearing about what made you angry today. I love hearing about your job. I love hearing about your dreams. I love hearing about it all and I just want to talk to my kids and Husband all day long.

I want them to need me. I want them to want to spend time with me. I want them to know how much I care about them. How much I want to listen to them when they are hurting. I am always here. Unfortunately, it doesn’t happen. Then I am back here hoping, wanting, poking, prodding and begging them to let me in.

I am their Mother, so I know they don’t want to tell me everything, but I would hope that they would let me in a little. Show me the honesty and sharing that I have taught them. Come to me when they are happy and when they are also feeling down. Let me help them. Give me a chance to tell them that there is always another wonderful road to explore, even though sometimes we take a wrong turn.

The unspoken words are the ones that worry me. No, they truly scare the hell out of me. xoxo

Not Even 30

Yesterday came and went

It would have been your Birthday

Your 30th

A day to celebrate

Celebrate your wonder

Your Smile

How cherished you are

Not a day for tears

To ‘cheers’ without you

Without hearing you laugh

And without seeing that contagious smirk

We still toast you though

Your loving memory

A memory of a life lost

Forever lost

Lost

I wish I knew that you were lost

I wish I knew your pain

I wish I knew when you were scared

Or mad

Or over it all

I wish I knew it all

Now I just feel sadness

Shocked is the only way to describe

Loss

Lost

Full of a bucket of tears that keeps refilling itself

With no end

No end

I love you

My sweet little Brother

I love you.

xoxo

To homeschool, or to not homeschool, that is the question.

My 15-year-old Son has asked me to homeschool him since he was 3. Then, it was simply because he wanted to be home with his Momma. Today it is for different reasons. Very real reasons.

As it sit here reading about, public on-line school, homeschooling and virtual flex on-line schooling, I realize there is so much to learn and so many questions to ask. It’s so hard! Ug. It can be very expensive too.

Public on-line school is pretty much the same as your brick and mortar school. Just doing it from home. You have all of the wonderful conveniences of the teachers there when you need them. It is free. Books and materials area free. You work on the same school schedule as the rest of your local district.

Homeschool is a combination of what you make it. You do most of the work with your child. You set up the classes. You help with class work. You can set up on-line classes, college classes, out of the home classes, etc. You set it all up and make the plan.

Virtual flex on-line school you can start at any time, you have teachers that can help you, depending on the program you choose to go with. You set the pace with your child. The school has all of the curriculum set for you. You pay them for this service, which can be very expensive. Up to almost 7k a year. As low as $400 per semester.

I am finally caving in with my Son and am going to make a decision this week about what he will be doing for his next semester of his Sophomore year. Allow him to be schooling from him. Researching internships for him, setting up some college courses. Sounds like more work for me, doesn’t it? It is. I will do it, because I want to see him happy. That smile is worth so much.

My concerns. He has high expectations and wants to attend a particular college in the futuer. I don’t want to jeopardize his future by me not knowing which school is best for him. It is scary to hold someone elses future in your hands. I want to make the right decision for him. All of the what-ifs go through my mind.

Brick and mortar school is safe, as is the on-line public school. I get a little scared with the homeschooling solely, or one of the flex on-line schools. I have been calling and asking a ton of questions regarding progression of courses, AP and Honor courses and if he was to apply to Oxford would they look at their school as an accredited facility.

This morning my head is spinning, yet again. I’m not showered and my scalp really needs to be washed. Hahaha!! It is after 10:00 a.m. and I am still sitting here in my glasses and robe. Waiting for a call back from one of the schools that we are interested in. Waiting is the hardest part. I can imagine how Pierce has been feeling waiting 12 years. Hahaha!!

Onward with my research and phone calls. 🙂

xo

My Children and Understanding Organic

I had to laugh today. One of my Son’s was home sick today and he was looking for something to cook in the pantry as I was getting ready to walk out the door to pick up his Brothers from school. He was in a, butter noodle, mood.

He says from the pantry, “everything Organic is disgusting!”

I proceeded to tell him that organic noodles taste no different from non-organic noodles. I explained to him why something is considered organic. We went back and forth a bit.

When I got home a bit later, I saw he had the bowl of noodles. The organic ones. I think I finally, finally taught him what Organic means. Or maybe it was that he finally just listened. Ha!

He kept thinking that somehow when something is organic it didn’t taste good, or the ingredients were somehow tainted and would make the product taste gross. Hahaha! Just goes to show that people can be so narrow-minded. Also, those narrow minded people can choose to listen and understand what the facts are.

I love that he listened. 🙂

xoxo

SafeSound Personal Alarm Thoughts?

teardrop_backpack_cut.jpgSource: SafeSound Personal Alarm

What does everyone think about these?

I was texting with a friend the other day about all of the crap that has been going on in Santa Cruz County. Burglaries, missing people, gang violence, heroin addicts along the river, tweakers walking into your home, car and business trailer thefts, delivery box robberies off of your porch, murders and the list goes on and on.

Anyway, she mentioned to me that she is now going to the gym pretty early in the morning and having to walk to and from her car in a parking garage. There aren’t always people around to help if there was a need, so she was going to go and get a pepper spray. I told her I thought it was a good idea and I know that Big 5 sold them.

I spotted this, this morning. It looks pretty great. Easy to use. I wouldn’t put it on my purse, or backpack I don’t think though. Just because, a lot of the time, that is what the asshole will go for first. Maybe carry it in your hand, or on your keys? Maybe on the zipper on your jacket? Maybe have several in different places?

I also think this would be great for kids, boys and girls. Adults as well. All humans. Safety is pretty key in our world, unfortunately.

Getting assaulted is nothing new. It has gone on since the beginning of human kind. Why not be safer in any way you can. You have nothing to lose. I may have to put these in everyone’s stockings for Christmas this year. Not a bad idea at all.

What do you think? Would love your opinion… 🙂

xo

Raising Husbands & Fathers

I don’t know whose photo this is, but I hope they don’t mind me using it.15032168_255671434847402_4705620029773180601_n.jpg

I love this photo. I’m always worrying about who my children are and what types of adults they will be. I want them to be kind, strong, stable and loving towards their own family one day. To support and defend their family. All I can do is my best.

I love my 4 Boys and know that some days I really feel like I am screwing them up. I hope that isn’t the truth. I know I can be hard on myself and them as well some days. I can only hope that I have instilled something amazing in them. Something wonderful that others will see, so that people gravitate towards them and they are surround with love, always.  🙂

xoxo

Photos Are Our History

Good morning!☀️🌞😃 

This is such a true statement. I’ve talked to people that have burned, thrown away or tore up old photos. I don’t believe in that. I think that photos are your history. With good memories, or bad. They are still your history and something that should be cherished.

I wish that I had more photos of myself when I was young. I have one of myself with my father. I have another of myself with my Mother. Another of my Grandmother, myself and my Cousin Keith. A couple of myself while very young alone while enjoying summer vacation. A couple teenage ones. Now, a lot as an adult. 

I take tons of photos of my children. They hold so many memories for me. One day when they look at them, I hope they will hold wonderful memories for them and show them their history.

That brings me to another subject. Don’t forget to save and also print out the photos on your phones. I think thousands, even millions, of photos are getting lost each day, because we dont download them and print them out. What a waste. Take some time and do it. You will be happy you did. 🙂

xoxo