Let’s get outside. Lie in the grass. Stare at the clouds. Look up and the big ‘ol blue sky. Roll down the hill. Set up a slip-n-slide. Eat an earthy blade. Pick the flowery weeds that grow and make flower crowns. Kiss. Laugh. Forget our worries. Feel the cool breeze. Take a rest from the world. Get dirty. Remember to be free. Remember to be who we are. Remember to smile. Remember to always think like your inner child. Go outside. Explore. Pick up the worm. Listen to the bids around you. Be free. 🙂 xo
I just finished the series, Switched At Birth. What a great show. It touched on so many topics that are all around us each and ever day. Love, Family, Boundaries, Racism, teenage angst, relationship issues, being independent, stepping out of your comfort zone, helping others, fighting for what you believe in, Honesty, ASL, Communication, loving unconditionally, Trust, diverse backgrounds, Betrayal, Kindness, sexual abuse, gambling addiction, freedom of speech, making mistakes, standing up for what you believe in, Travel, Cheating, self-lying, teenage pregnancy, relationships with age difference, exploring other countries, teenage sex, self-love, midlife crisis, Poverty, Wealth, Art of all kinds, Forgiveness, Disabilities, Alcoholism, Marriage, deaf community, drug addiction, giving unconditionally, and so much more.
I highly recommend it. 🙂
Friends since childhood your Daughters and I
With Smells from the kitchen
Laughter from the backyard
Of all the people that surrounded you
Your uncanny sweet nature
The most infections laugh
It carries me back to some of my fondest memories
From childhood to Adult
Your love never wavered
I will miss your smile
Your distinct and soothing voice saying my name
Each time I was in your presence
As you smiled and opened your arms
Always a loving hug to share
Kind words always following
I will miss you
I am so sad
You will be missed by so many
Sending you my love today
The tightest hugs
I came to a realization today. I am eating my emotions and feelings for the first time in my life. Ug! Time to get a handle on myself.
That’s it! 🙂
In honor of the longest day of the year, this Summer Solstice, I am admiring be green trees. The wind that blows through them. The puffy multi colored grey clouds that float by. The sun peeking through the array of grey and making the green grass an even brighter green. The gorgeous red Cardinal that flew past me.
It is a day of deep breathes and thoughts of the future. I am hopeful for the season to bring change. I am ready for what the new season will put upon me. I am ready to bend at its newness, and excited for its renewed power. I trust in it.
My first Summer Solstice in North Carolina.
I worry. I worry consistently about my children. I know they don’t share everything with me. Probably not even half if I am guessing. I find it so strange, then I look back to confiding in my Mother. I guess for some, it just doesn’t happen. Even if we think we are close to them and we know it all, we don’t. We never will and this terrifies me.
I want to be there for them when they are sad, feeling broken, happy, maybe they have met someone new. It doesn’t always happen. I feel like I am pulling teeth and they are giving me a painful look when I ask them about their day, their friends, their relationships, anything. I feel hurt. Maybe I’m selfish? Selfish with wanting them to be happy 29 out of 30 days a month. I want to see them smile. I want to know they are okay.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe I have a strong relationship with all of my children. I know that they love me. They tell me they love me daily. Kiss me good-bye and good night evey day. I take great care of them in all of the “Motherly” ways. I just know there is more to it than that. More going on with them, than what they give me willingly.
I go to bed terrified at night when I haven’t seen one of them smile all day, or even make an effort to talk to me. I can’t stand the distance. Especially when I know something is wrong. I can see it in their eyes, their body stance, the way they hold their mouth. I have a right to feel terrified. I am their Mother and I feel noting but love for them and want to keep them safe in any way that I can.
Some humans don’t discuss what is on their mind, because they don’t want to feel like they are overly talking about themselves, being self-absorbed, complaining, or whining. Sometimes we do it because we don’t want someone to feel sorry for us, feel like we are a burden, or weak. I’m sure I could list a hundred more reasons why we don’t talk to others about our feelings, our thoughts, or what has happened recently in our lives that has made us feel off. Sad. Alone. Even miserable. We’ve all done it. What we forget is, we are not alone. There is always someone who will just listen. The problem is, we are afraid. Don’t want to seem incapable of handling our emotions. Frankly, it sucks!
We need to talk, we need to express ourselves, we need to vent, we need to cry, we need to wallow, we need to work it out. If we don’t, then it sits in a deep pit. A dangerous pit that the only way out is to climb out of that damn pit yourself, or let someone help you. To grab onto their hand and let them pull you out.
Today I am in worry mode. I have been for several months now. We moved to a new State. It’s been 9 months. I don’t feel in my heart that anyone has really adjusted well. Especially my 4 teenagers. They miss their friends. They miss the ease of our old neighborhood. They miss their daily routine. I bet they even feel like life has been stagnate here, like not much has moved forward.
Sometimes in life you do things for your family, because you think it is the right thing for you all as a whole. California housing prices were sucking us in. Living to just pay for the house you are living in and the bills to keep that house alive, are just not a way to live. Children don’t know that though. They see a well-oiled machine and then their parents just threw a wrench into the engine and broke it.
I never realized it would take this long for them to adjust. To feel happy again. With social media today, I thought that it would be easier for them to keep in touch with their friends. Unfortunately, I believe it has been just as much as a hinderance. Especially with how things are today.
Social media started out as a way to keep in touch. Connect with friends and family and sometimes make new friends. Today it seems that it breaks more relationships than it keeps alive. Especially for our children. Posts and words are taken negatively, texts are misconstrued. Someone is always feeling defensive. People that are being honest are taken as liars. The liars are getting away with causing so much pain and the honest ones are the one’s suffering. Some suffering more than others. It truly breaks my heart.
I remember when we communicated a lot over email. Even our emails started to get taken the wrong way. We all know that 5 people can read the same email and if asked about that email, we would get 5 different interpretations. Imagine that with the short simple texts. It can be hell, I’m sure. It always seems when something is read these days it is deciphered depending on the readers current mood. It’s interesting and detrimental all at the same time. Especially with our teenagers. It scares the hell out of me.
It all dwindles down to the way we communicate with each other. I’m for sure a talker. I want to talk about everything. Know everything. I love honesty and truth. I love having a conversation of the heart. I always ask a lot of questions. I love to learn. I love having a conversation about the weather. I love having a conversation about the color of the dirt. I love hearing about your day. I love hearing about your successes for the day. I love hearing about the argument you had with your friend. I love hearing about what your plans are for the weekend. I love hearing about how your girlfriend pissed you off. I love hearing about how dumb you thought that kid was in your class today. I love hearing about what scares you. I love hearing about what made you angry today. I love hearing about your job. I love hearing about your dreams. I love hearing about it all and I just want to talk to my kids and Husband all day long.
I want them to need me. I want them to want to spend time with me. I want them to know how much I care about them. How much I want to listen to them when they are hurting. I am always here. Unfortunately, it doesn’t happen. Then I am back here hoping, wanting, poking, prodding and begging them to let me in.
I am their Mother, so I know they don’t want to tell me everything, but I would hope that they would let me in a little. Show me the honesty and sharing that I have taught them. Come to me when they are happy and when they are also feeling down. Let me help them. Give me a chance to tell them that there is always another wonderful road to explore, even though sometimes we take a wrong turn.
The unspoken words are the ones that worry me. No, they truly scare the hell out of me. xoxo
Yesterday came and went
It would have been your Birthday
A day to celebrate
Celebrate your wonder
How cherished you are
Not a day for tears
To ‘cheers’ without you
Without hearing you laugh
And without seeing that contagious smirk
We still toast you though
Your loving memory
A memory of a life lost
I wish I knew that you were lost
I wish I knew your pain
I wish I knew when you were scared
Or over it all
I wish I knew it all
Now I just feel sadness
Shocked is the only way to describe
Full of a bucket of tears that keeps refilling itself
With no end
I love you
My sweet little Brother
I love you.