Tears and an Unsettled Heart

r7hepa%9TUOXXfsUuUPjFAI cried the whole way home. My two youngest clueless in the car with me. Trying desperately to sleep since it was after 11:00.

Moving my three oldest Son’s into their dorm rooms today was exhausting physically and emotionally. It was hot, humid and there was a shit-load of stuff to get packed, loaded and then unloaded. I do have to say, It was all successful though.

I didn’t get to finish setting up their rooms like I like. It calms me, helps me to know they are organized and can move on with this new part of their lives. Instead of feeling at ease when I left each one of their dorm rooms, I felt sad, unfinished and unsettled. That wasn’t what I wanted to feel at all. You know what else? I didn’t even get a family photo before I left. That made me even more upset.

The other day, my third Son decided to come back home with me to spend some more time with his girlfriend before classes start. He was pressuring me to leave tonight. I was running out of time and it was getting very late. Unfortunately, we left our house this afternoon two hours after the time I had really wanted too. That left me short for doing what I needed to for them. I had originally planned on staying the night. Helping them organize, take them by the store to stock up on some snacks and give one last celebratory toast to a great year ahead. I guess I will just need to try it all again on Saturday when I take my third Son back.

I still can’t get over leaving my kids and knowing that I won’t get to see them every day. Give them a good morning hug and love on them. I’m going to have three gone this year and it is working me over. I’m so stuffed up from crying the whole drive home. I even had to keep wiping my nose on my shirt, because I didn’t have any Kleenex in the car. It kept bringing me back to when they were little. Them always cleaning their face on the front of my shirt. Those memories just made me cry harder. Damnit!

I’m home now and it’s almost 1:30 in the morning. My eyes are swollen and my nose is raw. I feel sad. A bit empty. The week ahead is a busy one. I guess I will just need to try again on Saturday. This time sticking with my own plan and not letting my children influence me for doing what they want. I know better than to give in. It never seems to make me feel good.

I’m a fucking sappy mess and need to go and sleep this off. Cry myself to sleep, I guess. Let’s just hope I can do just that.

xoxo

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