I think I just need to get right to it.
I cried to 3 of my Boys the day before yesterday. I was a mess. Don’t get me wrong, I was super happy waking up, even after dropping off my 3rd Son for his 8th grade trip, whom I am missing immensely.
I woke up and was ready for a great day. A friend of mine shot me a message asking if we wanted to go over to the Boardwalk for a while then over to the swim center for some free swim time. Sounded great to me!
I went into the office to run the plan by my 3 Boys that are home for Spring Break. None of them budged from in front of their computers. They all said, “No thank you Mom.”
You know what? I went upstairs and cried. Then I came back downstairs and told them all why. I told them that i am sad and my heart hurts, because I feel like they don’t like to spend time with me. Ever. That I always have to be the bad guy and pressure them to do, anything. I mean anything. A movie, a hike, camping, go out to eat. You name it.
You know what people? There are days that I feel so lonely and I live in a house with 6 other people. The majority of them sit on their computers all day. In that damn office, all 5 of them, and I won’t see anyone for hours. I don’t get asked what I’m up too. I don’t get asked anything. Some days no one will even come and talk to me. The only time I get any communication is when I ask if someone wants something to eat, ask if they want to do something, or go somewhere, or if I go into the office and speak to them. That sucks! That’s lonely.
This isn’t a poor-me post. This is real. My feelings are real. My life is real. I miss my kids. All. The. Time. They can stay away from me when they are in college, or get wives of their own, dammit! I love my kids and want to do all kinds of fun things with them. It freaks me out when my family doesn’t want to spend time with me. Not even an hour of hiking, or going to the damn grocery store. Come on!
Is it so much to want to feel like I am loved, needed, wanted and fun to be around? Is it so awful to want someone to make the plans with me for a change? I’m not talking about my friends. I mean my family, especially the ones that live in my house. I crave family time. Crave it terribly. So terribly that I broke down this week. Damnit.
I feel like it shouldn’t even be a thought in my head to feel like this. I do my best at all time, to spend time with my Husband and children. All the time. It feels like shit to get turned down. Constantly.
Okay, I’m done. It doesn’t change the way I feel though. It doesn’t change how lonely I feel a lot of the time in my own home.