Out Of My Hands

Have you ever had that feeling that something is totally out of your hands?  Well, I never have, until recently.

I have been wanting desperately to move back to California for over 3 years now.  I don’t have a daily job that brings in a major income.  My Husband is the provider in our family at this point in our lives.  I love being home with my children and would not want to change that for anything in this world.  For the first time in my life though I have been unhappy.  Not unhappy in a bad way.  Not unhappy with my wonderful life.  Just unhappy that I feel like I have absolutely no control of this particular situation.  A huge situation in my book.

To be able to move our household of 7 my Husband would need to find a new job in California, or be transferred.  That hasn’t happened.  Again, out of my control.  I can’t find the job for him.  There are days that I think maybe I should just go ahead and find a job.  Yes, I’ll do it!  Then I think it through.  No more going on field trips, no more getting them off to school, no more being here when they call home and they are sick, hurt, or have forgotten something at home they need at school.  No more helping with homework, etc., etc.  I don’t like that.  I don’t like that at all.  Back to the starting line.

I just don’t work this way.  If there is something that I really want to do, I do it, or find a way.  Unfortunately, in this situation, I haven’t been able too and am at a total loss.  Is is maddening!  Depressing!  Frustrating!  Irritating!  Some days I just can’t understand, or maybe don’t want too, why we can’t just go!  Figure it out as we go.  In the past when I worked full-time, when ever I wanted to move, I just looked for a place and did it.  If I needed a new job I would find it.  I know that times are supposed to be different right now, but I still just can’t believe it!

I use positive thinking all the time.  Positive thoughts, affirmations, etc.  Really. I do it!  Still nothing.  I am even a true believer that everything happens for a reason.  Lately I have been questioning that as well.  I don’t want to be in Arizona any more.  Don’t get me wrong, I have some good friends here. Yes, they would be missed.  But, I’m done.  That does NOT mean that I am giving up hope though.  I am going to continue trying to figure out a way.  Think those positive thoughts and put them out into the universe.  I am not weak.  I have perseverance and I will not stop until I get there.  Sometimes this has to come with some harsh realizations, but when you feel this strongly about a situation you just have to go for it!  🙂


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