Random Depression

I think that I may be getting depressed, or have been and just haven’t realized it.  I have been sick since the beginning of August with Bronchitis.  I haven’t driven but 3 times since May 29, 2010.  Just to name a couple of the things that have kept me in the house.  When I went with my Father to pick up my Boys from school today.  He parked and I walked over to the school yard to get them.  As I walked over I looked around.  My heart sunk.  I can’t stand not being there every day to drop them off.  Walk them to class, get to know their new friends.  I NEED to be that Mom.  It is killing me.  Shit, I haven’t been myself for 3 weeks I thought!  I haven’t been my self for over a year!  I have until February of 2014.  If I am a mess now, how am I going to be then?  I thought that the solution would be to change their schools, so that I could be closer and ride bikes with them.  To be involved.  I can’t even do that, because it is so damn hot here. There have been heat warnings for the past 9 days.  They haven’t even been able to play outside at school.  I also thought that we could rent out our house and get one in their school neighborhood.  Well, we found one and the woman never responds to my calls.  I’ve called twice, the last call on Friday and she never returned my call.  What’s the deal with that.  My “big plan” was to move back to California, but my Husbands job keeps us here.  I NEED to be somewhere when I can walk, have a life, be in my children’s life.  It feel like a little piece of me is dying every day.  I find myself sad, out of sorts, determined and withdrawn at the same time.  I try to move forward, be happy and do everything for my Boys each and every day.  I just don’t feel like I am giving enough.  Never once does anyone ask how my day was, or how I am feeling.  Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself and mad at myself at the same time… no doubt about that.  😦

xo

3 thoughts on “Random Depression

  1. One day i hope your bronchitis will heal. Mine did after months. I used some kind of spray for breating difficulties that belonged to someone else, and after one try i was cured. The heat does not help either. I hope you feel better some day.

      • Yes it is possible that an inhaler makes you feel strange. Sometimes these prescriptions can be strong and a person would have to adjust the dose to their own judgment. It can be tricky. I’m glad to hear you feel better. It is so important to feel good every day.

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